[Peter walks into the house, while the kids are watching TV]
Peter: You guys, what are you doing, watching TV? It's snowing.
[The kids look out the window]
Meg: Wow! It's so beautiful.
Peter: Isn't it? And you know what's a miracle, kids? Every single snowflake is exactly alike.
Chris: I don't think that's right.
Peter: No, it's true. Just like fingerprints.
Peter: Sledding was the second passion of the Christ.
[Cutaway to Jesus winning a sled race]
Jesus: Eat this, for this is my dust.
Stewie: [To Susie] My sled has Dora on it because my parents got it at a yard sale. It ... It's still for boys though. She's about language acquisition, not gender.
Cleveland: You serious all this white stuff used to be water? Mmm, my word.
Brian: I've been crashing office Christmas parties for the free booze and the drunk women, who don't want to spend the holiday alone.
Stewie: Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep, just like the fat man is a pool party creep.
[Cutaway to Peter and Chris at a pool party]
Peter: Now Chris, you're getting older, so it's time for you to learn the classic pool party game, Talk to someone's wife in a bikini, until they cover up uncomfortably.
[Peter talks to Bonnie and stares at her]
Peter: So, Bonnie. How are things going?
Bonnie: Oh, things are fine. Been kind of busy lately, what with Susie starting to ... [covers up]
Peter: Okay, bye. [Peter leaves] Man, that was like two seconds.
[Quagmire comes up to him]
Quagmire: Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you been watching on TV lately?
Peter: Oh, you know, this and that. There's this show called "Shipping Wars" and it's actually kind of ... [covers up]
Quagmire: Okay, bye.
Santa Claus: Now you gonna listen? Now you gonna listen, you little bitch? Who's suit are you wearing?
Peter: Your suit.
Chris: Dad, look! Santa's here! [Gestures to a Mall Santa] I wanna sit on his lap.
Peter: Jeez, Chris, come on. You're in high school.
Chris: I'm gonna ask for a family trampoline.
Peter: Holy crap! Get your ass up there!
[Peter talks to a security guard]
Peter: Hey Muscles, what's taking so long?
Security Guard: I'm sorry, sir. This may shock you, but it turns out the seasonal Santa we hired has a drinking problem. Now, I don't know where to find a replacement on such short notice. Hey, you're a hefty guy.
Peter: [Sadly] I called you "Muscles".
Peter: I once dressed as a farmer to get a date on Farmersonly.com.
[Cutaway to Peter meering his date]
Peter's Date: Are you Peter?
Peter: Yeah, uh, are you the gross lady that lives in the converted horse trailer?
Jingle Singers: [Singing] You don't have to be lonely at Farmersonly.com.
Peter: It doesn't say "whites only", but ... yeah.
[Peter opens a door to see a box labeled "All of Meg's farts" on his doorstep]
Peter: What the hell? Hey, Chris, get in here. This is impossible, right? All of Meg's farts, here in this box?
Chris: I would think that's impossible.
Peter: Yeah, right? That's impossible.
[The guys come over to observe the box]
Quagmire: Is this the box?
Peter: Yeah, that's it.
[Quagmire takes out his glasses and observes the box]
Quagmire: Yeah, that's impossible.
Peter: I know. It's impossible. Alright, ... okay, I'm opening the gift.
Joe: Unless, whoever sent it was magic.
[Peter has already opened the box and all the skin on his face is burned off]