[For the complete script, see: "I Dream of Jesus" at the Transcripts Wiki]

[The Griffin's are at a 50's diner, everyone is looking at their menu]
Peter Griffin: Look at this place they don't serve any of this 1950's food anymore. [Reading from the menu] Hamburgers, french fries, Cokes! You kids don't know what I'm talkin' about.

[Jesus and Peter are at the record store, where Jesus explains why he's come down to Earth]
Jesus Christ: Well, believe it or not, I pop in every hundred years or so. Kinda, incognito, just to get away from the family. Plus the timing seemed good cause my dad just quit smoking and he's a little on edge.
[Cut to heaven where God, looking aggravated, rummages through a drawer]
God: Who took my checkbook?! Ellen?! Why is there a pen cap, and no pen?!

Bush: The American people may have turned against the war, but I answer to a higher power. I answer to the power of Jesus Christ.
Peter: Oh, why that's funny, cause I happen to have Jesus Christ right here.
Jesus: I heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my of work. How you ever got to be president of anything is totally amazing.
Peter: [to the camera] Boy wouldn't it be great if life were like this?

[Peter Griffin, on TV for a PSA, is writing on a clipboard, then hands it to a woman standing next to him]
Peter Griffin: Thank you. [Peter addresses the camera] Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know there's an issue facing many Americans today that I know concerns a great number of us. According to Gallop Polls: 1 in 12 American's is unaware that the Bird is the Word. I for one, dream of an America where everybody knows that the Bird is the Word [Spontaneously breaks into song, singing "Surfin' Bird". Camera cuts to Mayor Adam West who is watching this on TV]
Adam West: My God is it possible?! [To a man standing next to him] Have the boys in the lab confirm this.
[Cuts to a laboratory with many scientists crowded around a blackboard. A scientist picks up the telephone]
Scientist: Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to, or greater than the word.
Adam West: [Angrily] Check it again!!

Stewie Griffin: Brian?
Brian Griffin: Yeah?
Stewie Griffin: I don't feel so good.

Peter: But one thing's for sure Lois, none of this would've happened if someone hadn't stolen my fuckin "Surfing Bird" Record!!!

Jesus: Heeey, it's a pleasure to be here with you six interchangeable women, last time I was down here on earth I only hung around with one whore!

Jay Leno: My next guest died for our sins and now it looks like he's back on the scene. Please welcome from the bible Jesus Christ, oh Jesus!

Jesus: Can you get me a Cracked magazine?
Peter: Cracked?
Jesus: Yeah.
Peter: Jesus Christ unbelievable.

Cow: [as he gets into the limo with Jesus] This is gonna be so much fun. I'm gonna stick my head out the sunroof and wave my arms and go, "Whoo, I'm in Hollywood!" [sticks head out the sunroof] Whoo, I'm in Hollywood! See, I said I'll do it.

Peter: Who did it?!
Stewie: Who did what, Pop?
Brian: Yes, Peter. What has you upset?
Peter: "Surfin' Bird" is gone! I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning, it's gone!
Lois: Well Peter, nobody here would steal from you.
Peter: Oh, no one had a motive, Lois? You all had a motive! Every one of ya! You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record, and that's why you wanted the record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister, to get her out of the country, but the record wouldn't allow it. But Meg didn't count on me discovering that she has no twin sister, and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium, and that's where Chris came into the picture.
Chris: [points a gun at Peter] So, you got it all figured out, do ya? You couldn't leave well enough alone?
Peter: You won't fire at me, Chris. You don't got the stomach for it.
[Chris pulls the trigger, and the gun fires water at Peter. Chris laughs]
Chris: I'm sorry, Dad. I've no idea what you're talking about.

Chris: Mom, how come when Jesus revealed himself to the world he got famous, but when I revealed myself to the world, I got suspended from school for five days?

Lois: A record doesn't just get up and walk away. Except for my old Allan Sherman record.
[Lois’ Allan Sherman record at the door]
Allan Sherman Record: If you ain't gonna play me, don't complain when I try to split. There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh out of, "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah”. [walks out the door] Woah, it's warm out, I don't need this jacket.

Meg: So Jesus, finish that story you were telling us.
Jesus: Oh, all right. So there I was. They just beaten me senseless. Stuck thorns in my head. Nailed me to the piece of wood. Showed the sponge full of vinegar in my mouth and killed me. Then they put me into hole with a rock in front of it for two whole days. And come Sunday, bam! I rise from the dead.
Peter: Okay, that sounds like a nutty weekend, but I can top it. So, me and Cleveland and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort, right? We know we're gonna puke, but Joe says, "Hey, let's go see Chronicles of Riddick." Sat through the whole thing without puking, and then I get home...wouldn't you know I lost my glasses. Huh? Peter 1 - Jesus 0.

a random man: Hey, look, Lindsay Lohan just took her top off.
Lindsay Lohan:Hey. I just drank a beer. Who wants to do me?

Jesus: Okay, but I don't get off till 7.
Peter: Great, we'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone.
Guy on phone: Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see, now!
Marlee Matlin: The Last Mimzy.
Guy on phone: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that! Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see, now!
Marlee Matlin: The Last Mimzy.
Guy on phone: You have selected 300. If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes, now!
Marlee Matlin: No!
Guy on phone: You have confirmed 300.

Peter: I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message like four hours ago.

[Jesus returns to Heaven]
Peter: Well, I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone.
Lois: I sure am going to miss him.
Peter: : Me too...although he did give me something right before he disappeared.
Lois: What?
Peter: Something very special, Lois.
Meg: What is it dad?
Peter: What, you haven't heard?
Stewie: FUCK!!!!
Peter: A bird, bird bird...

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