[For the complete script, see: "Internal Affairs" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Stewie: Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

Peter: Jeez, every cop in the town is here.
Quagmire: I know. What do ya thinks taken care of the city?
[Consuela is in the middle of an intersection]
Consuela: No. No. No. No. [mops a puddle]
Driver: What the hell? Come on!
Consuela: No drive, is wet.

Peter: Breaker-breaker 1-9, what's your 20?
[indistinct blabber on the radio]
Peter: Aw, it's so hot just knowin' you're in a truck.

Bonnie: You're right on time, Kevin just woke up screaming from his afternoon nap.
Kevin: Mom, it's my birthday and you invited your friends.
Bonnie: All yours are dead!

Chris: Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with grandma and grandpa?
Lois: No Chris, it does not; that doesn't even make any sense.

Stewie: Why did the sign say "not an exit"?! It should've just said "gorilla door"!

Joe: It feels good to know that thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.

Peter: Secrets are what keep a marriage fresh.

Tom Tucker: That's right, Joyce, apparently, there were over one hundred kilos of cocaine right here in Quahog. And yet my guy can't get dick.

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