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in: Episodes, Season 20

Lawyer Guy/Quotes

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Chris: Your lobster today is Dinty Moore stew, from a can too dented to risk on people?
Stewie: What does "Dinty" even mean? Is it an adjective or a guy or a contraction like "Boy, he really screwed up that meal, Dinty"?
Peter: The year 2020 was a terrible year for the Corona Beer company so they had to sell off all their TV commercial hammocks.
Chris: The neighbor's sprinkler ruined whatever this is.
Peter: Not so fast, Chris. I don't give up that easy.
Chris: Good for you, Dad. Go knock on the neighbor's door and have a mildly uncomfortable conversation.
Peter: I give up.
Brick: Have you been injured in an accident? Man, I hope so.
Brick: I'm Brick Baker. My mama didn't raise no dummy and I'm here to get you money.
Brick: My specialties are contract law and kicking bitch ass for you.
Brick: You trip and fall? Got a dog bite? You used baby powder on your vagina, you crazy person? Well, if you haven't, start doing it.
Brick: You need hot, fresh justice, so call da Baker.
[Someone tries to put a chef's hat on his head]
Brick: I said I wasn't wearing that!
Brick: N-N-N-N-N-Now, can I tell you something off the record? "Live At Bird land, Art Blakey Quartet, Blue Note Records."
Peter: [amused] Okay, I can see that I came to the right lawyer.
Stewie: This place was so much better when it sucked and we never came here.
Peter: I hire you to sue my neighbor and you don't tell me you're my neighbor? That's so unethical!
Brick: Whoa! I may have not gone to Harvard law school and I don't even know if you keep track of who went to Harvard law school...
Peter: I don't.
Brick: But I did not go to Harvard law school just to have my integrity questioned.
[Peter imagines Muriel in a bikini]
Muriel: Peter, we could have had fun but I died.
Peter: Yeesh, I...I...I...I don't wanna think anymore for a while.
Judge: Very well, I'll grant continuance and just enter into the court that you're a chicken.
Peter: [offended] ...Wait, what!?
Judge: It's perfectly routine. I'll just note that Peter Griffin has to run and hide behind his lawyer daddy.
Cleveland: The town surveyor was being pestered by a bee so the property lines are all twisty turny.
Quagmire: Talk about all rise, giggity!
Quagmire: [correcting the stenographer] "G-G-I-T-Y". Yeah, yeah there's no "D"s in "Giggity".
Brian: Should we drop our traps somewhere else?
Stewie: Like where?
Brian: I don't know. Maybe we try David Harbor. It's that harbor nobody even heard of until three years ago and now all of a sudden, it's huge.
Stewie: Well, we could try Michael Bay although I hear that bay was mean to Megan Fox.
Brian: Maybe Roger Waters?
Stewie: George Strait?
Brian: Billy Ocean?
Stewie: Ricky Lake?
Brian: River Phoenix?
Brick: Hey, there brother. Wakanda forever.
Cleveland: Oh, I don't know.
Brick: Listen, the moral of the story is this, watching you all in the court today, I realized something. I may have a fancy law degree and a phone number with all twos in it, [giggles], but Peter, you have friends [threatening] and no one can ever take them away from you.
Cleveland: He said that weird.
Joe: We'll get to see Law & Order extras onstage!
[Peter looks for his seat in the theater]
Usher: You're all the way back in the very top.
[Peter looks way up into the rafters, where his seat is]
Peter: What!?
Usher: Yeah, just keep going up until you see three corpses in parkas.
Peter: Man, this sucks. The stage is so way down there, the stage is so way down there, the sound doesn't even travel as far. The whole show is just being relayed by some New York mook.
[The New York mook is shown sitting a few rows down from him]
Mook: Uh, they're saying everybody's heard about the bird...and it goes on and so forth,...okay, now they're saying what the word is...Bird...It's bird.
Wild West: Did you know the ocean is 40% fish whizz? All this and more on West's Wonders.
Peter: Okay, top 5 racks in 90's movies. Go.
Chris: I'll bite. Maggie Smith, Death on the Nile.
Peter: Right rack, wrong decade.
Peter: Brick, I just wanna apologize for how things got started between us. I can see that you're a good guy and...I wanna welcome you to the neighborhood.
[Peter is actually saying this to a very offended Cleveland, who slams the door in his face]
Peter: What? I was just practicing!
[After Peter's second cutaway mixup]
Lois: What was that?
Peter: That was someone's getting fired is what that was.

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