[For the complete script, see: "Meet the Quagmires" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Quagmire: Come 'ere baby. Let's head upstairs and play "Hide and go anal".

[George hands Jane one unit of currency. Jane grabs the entire wallet, but George yanks it back]
George Jetson: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no! I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this. You are not taking my whole wallet just so you can go shopping!
Jane Jetson: I was just going to buy some groceries.
George: Bullcrap.

Brian: Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that will ever happen in the world.
Peter: I don't care! We've got to find a way to summon Death, and quick. [Jane falls to the pavement, lifeless. The dollar note George gave to Jane lands on her back] Well, that might do it.

Peter: [tearful] Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny Sides. It's okay, you don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. [crying] You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny Sides!

[when Brian is in the middle of playing Never Gonna Give You Up, the lead singer, Marvin, goes backstage to phone his cousin]
Marvin: [on the phone] Hey Rick, it's your cousin Marvin. Marvin Astley? You know that mediocre generic sound you been looking for? Well, listen to this!

[Peter is recounting his experience to the Griffin family in the apparently repaired timeline]
Lois: Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously I made the right choice when I married you.
Peter: Me too, Lois. And hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again. [Roger from "American Dad!" enters the living room]
Roger: Who ate all the Pecan Sandies?

Peter: I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt! And I won't let Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot, or sentient robot, curious about its own existence keep us apart!

Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry Peter, I'm afraid she has her father's libido.
Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius. Oh!
Chris, Meg, and Stewie: [all laugh] Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity.

Peter: Death, oh thank God you're here! Listen, you gotta send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois!
Death: Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Haliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson.
Brian: Oh my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois!
Peter: I don't know who any of those people are.

Molly Ringwald: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands?
Lois: I know! Who would have thought Bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look.

[Peter turns the television on]
TV Announcer: Tonight on The Tonight Show, movie star George Clooney.
Peter: Oh, he's good.
TV Announcer: Comedian Dave Chappelle.
Brian: He's funny, like him.
TV Announcer: And musician Harry Connick Jr.
Peter: Wow, what a show.
TV Announcer: And now, ladies and gentleman, heeeeeeeeeere's Chevy!
Peter: Oh God, Brian, we messed up bad! We messed up real bad!

Peter: Death, that was totally worth it! It was even better than the time I stumbled into that fat, lonely women's club.
[cutaway to Peter walking into the place he described. He holding a map, and announces for help]
Peter: Uh, 'scuse me, can I have directions to the Providence Civic Center?
Fat Ladies: Ooooooh!
[one of the ladies walks up to Peter]
Fat Lady: Do you like cake?
Peter: Yes.
Fat Lady: Do you like my ass?
Peter: Yes.
Fat Lady: You wanna eat cake off my ass?
Peter: What kind of cake?
Fat Lady: Angel Food Cake.
[Peter pulls out a fork]
Peter: Well, Rusty, it looks like we're gonna eat our way out of another jam.

Ms. Pac-Man: What? What?
Blinky: Jeez.
Clyde: Nothing.
Pinky: Bitch.

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