[For a complete script, see: "Meg Goes to College" at the Transcripts Wiki]


Peter: New shirt, Cleveland?
Cleveland: Donna saw an unflattering picture of me on Facebook and only lets me wear black now.

Cleveland: The problem with these dark shirts is that dandruff shows but when I wear light colors, ...
Peter: The dandruff doesn't show but you look bigger in the show. Yeah, it's called "Guillermo's Paradox".
Cleveland: What's that now?
Peter: Guillermo Del Toro theorized that a fat guy's shirt can not simultaneously appear slimming and clean.

Peter: Well, truth be told. Meg wants me to give her a bunch of money so she can go to college and, I guess ... I guess I'd rather spend that money on alcohol.

Quagmire: Man, imagine how great it would feel to be retired.
Peter: I knew a retired kid in high school. All he ate was tater tots. He smooshed a turtle like an ice cream sandwich.

Stewie: You gotta get in shape, man. You know, you should meet my trainer. I think you'd really like him.
Brian: You have a trainer?
Stewie: Yes, you think it's easy looking easy for 20 years?

[Stewie signs up Brian for his gym class]
Stewie: Did you want to sign up for the full three years?
Brian: Three years? Don't you just do it by the session?
Stewie: Yeah, no. We could do a sess to sess. [writes in Brian's sign up sheet] Not committed.

Peter: My high school girlfriend and I still say "I love you" in e-mails.

Lois: Now, remember, Meg. I want you to call us every week and then every few weeks and then never.
Meg: I promise, mom.

Chris: You think I'll go to college one day?
Lois: [sparing his feelings] Oh, ... yeah.
Peter: The sky's the limit, champ.

Peter: Wanna listen to The Doors for the next six months and then never again for the rest of your life?

Stewie: Now that Meg is in college, I turned her room into a gym.

Zander: Hey, Meg. Hi, I'm Zander. I'm in your bio class I'm not a stalker.
Meg: [laughs] Hey, either way.

[Peter has a tough conversation with Lois by the lake]
Peter: I'm just not a fan of long-distance relationships.
Lois: Peter, I need to know if you're going to pick up Stewie from school.
Peter: I'll be home for Thanksgiving. We'll see where we're at then.

Peter: Hey, Meg. I'm a hippie now and I'm feeling the burn.
Meg: Bernie Sanders?
Peter: No, none of my hippie girlfriends shower and my crotch itches.
Meg: You know, despite what we're doing here, I'm still your daughter.

Meg: Did you join a frat?
Peter: I tried to but I got the letters mixed up and joined a fart.

[Peter breaks the fourth wall after a fart joke]
Peter: Hey, everyone. I'm in college but here's a test for you. We just gave you the easiest joke setup in Family Guy history. Peter joins a fart house. Is the correct punchline: A. "And I thought calculus stunk!", B. "We don't need a pledge, we need a big can of Glade!", or C. "You wanna see a Brown quad, you should have seen my legs after Greek week!"? Good luck to you.

Peter: Hey, ladies. Toga farty tonight at I Delta P U.

Peter: Me and my fart brothers are supposed to steak the quad later.

Meg: I can't believe you two did this to me. Maybe if you believed in me, none of this would have happened.
Peter: Meg, honey. Nobody wanted you out of the house more than we did.

Peter: Anything's possible, like then that Starbucks cup make it into Game of Thrones.

Brian: You know, this whole thing has taught me an important lesson: I hate exercise.
Stewie: [the way he'd say "Amen"] Gay, men!

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