[For the complete script, see: "Mind Over Murder" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Soccer Mom: That's the tenth time today! Nice job orca! Hey, get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate!
Peter: Hey-Hey-Hey easy fella that's my kid, now apologize.
Soccer Mom: Okay, I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead, stinkin' blue cheese fat ass! [Knocks the can of beer out of Peter's hand]
Peter: Oh-Oh that's it! [Peter punches her and everyone gasps]
Chris: Way to go, dad!
Boy: Hey, you hit my mom!
Peter: No, I hit your dad.
Man: Whoa! Stand back. Give her some air.
Peter: You mean, give him some air.
Woman: Call an ambulance. She's going into labor!
Peter: mean, he's going into labor. [sound of baby crying] Whoops.

Peter: Wait, wait, wait. One last question. If I walk through you, does it mean like we've done it?
Pawtucket Patriot Ghost: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes..?!

Peter: Hey, Lois. You've been busy all day, so I took care of dinner.
Lois: Really?
Peter: [Holds up fish] All you gotta do is clean it, gut it, scale it, and cook it.

Lois: Oh my God, my baby is drunk! [takes Stewie]
Peter: No I'm not...oh, him? Oh, y...yeah, he's a real lightweight.

Customer: Wow, Lois Griffin! Hey, I love your act. Nice melons.
Peter: Hey, listen, pal...
Lois: Peter, I am holding melons.
Peter: Oh.
Customer: And the hooters ain't bad either.
Peter: Now, hang on a second there...
Lois: Peter, I am holding hooters.
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Customer: No problem. Your wife's hot.

Peter: Jeez, Lois. I spent all morning on a boat drinking beer, telling jokes, and screwing around. How about a little me time?

Peter: Oh, boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record.

Stewie: Shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

Stewie: Argh! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell!
Lois: Well, the baby's up.

Stewie: No no no, you imbecile! That's not talc; that's paprika! Aaahh! [Urinates on Peter] Take that!

Peter: [To Lois] You know I spoil you.

Stewie: E-flat, Salieri, E-flat!

Peter: Lois loves her family! Lois loves her family! Lois and her family sitting in a tree...see now, Lois, the guys would've found that hilarious.

Stewie: Silence, you contemptible shrew!
Lois: Aww, I bet your gums are still sore.
Stewie: Oh, you're so observant, aren't you? Are you a detective? Yes, my gums are sore!

[As Lois performs]
Quagmire: Now that's a woman! [Camera pans to a man holding up picture cards] That's a house; that's a fish; that's a bee!

Peter: Lois is pretty pissed, huh?
Brian: Yes. Your judgement lately has been rather...well, you have crappy judgement anyway.

Stewie: Augh, my teeth!
Tooth 1: I'm free, free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor.
Tooth 2: I think not!
Tooth 1: Bicuspid, we meet again!
Tooth 2: Have at you!
Tooth 1: En garde! [Both strain]
Tooth 2: Well, should we bite the tongue, then?
Tooth 1: On three! One, two...
Stewie: Aaahh!

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