[For a complete script, see: "Movin’ In (Principal Shepherd’s Song)" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Jacx18 008 04-0131
Principal Shepherd: Okay, Chris. While you make these announcements, I'm going to be massaging your shoulders, just so I can say in court that I do it to everyone.

[Chris misreads the morning announcements and Principal Shepherd corrects him]
Chris: God.
Principal Shepherd: Good.
Chris: Movement.
Principal Shepherd: Morning.
Chris: Anglebird.
Principal Shepherd: Everyone.
Chris: The stagnant cancer muting.
Principal Shepherd: The student council meeting.

Brian: Stewie, how can you afford an entire opera in your room?
Stewie: Oh, boy. Brian's upset because someone has something he doesn't. You know what I'm getting you for your birthday? The ability to be happy for other people.

Stewie: Brian, I'd love to stay and talk but Bugs Bunny is about to make this tenor hold a note for far longer than anyone should.

[Chris comes in, crying]
Peter: Keith, what's the matter?
Lois: It's Chris, you idiot. [to Meg] Mary, what happened?

Lois: School should be a safe place, where they get shot sometimes.

Council Lady: There's still the agenda item of you fat-shaming Chris Griffin.
Principal Shepherd: I think we can table that ... as long as it's a pretty strong table.

Lois: This is the year 2020 and nothing is okay. This is the year of instant outrage.
Peter: [outraged] WHAT!?

Superintendent: If your son had been shot, all I could offer thoughts and prayers but this calls for a far stronger response.

Peter: Lois, can I talk to you one step over this way, yet magically out of earshot from him?

Peter: The wi-fi is "Joe Swanson Guest".

Principal Shepherd: Now, I believe you have some masturbating to do, young man.
Chris: I already did it.
Principal Shepherd: Chris.
Chris: I mean ... I was about to.
Principal Shepherd: Atta boy.
[Peter and Principal Shepherd chuckle]
Peter: Oh, he's a good boy.

Doug: I need to borrow a shovel.
Stewie: A hole? Where are you going? China?
Doug: That's the hope.

[Brian nearly knocks Doug off his trike]
Doug: Who-hoa, careful! That's how God makes angels!

Principal Shepard: [from the intercom which has been moved into the Griffin kitchen] Attention Griffins, could Peter Griffin please report to the backyard?
All: Oooooooh!
Peter: Shut up!

Meg: Allahu Akbaar!

Meg: How long is Principal Shepherd gonna keep is in detention down here?
Lois: Oh, you got a big date? Is that it? Gotta get out of here for a big date? That what you're saying?
Meg: Hey. Bite my butt, mom. At least I'm not a withered old slut like you are.
Chris: Oh, just kiss and get it over with.

Meg: Alright, we're playing.
[Meg points a gun at Peter]
Peter: No no no! No no no no no! Meg! Meg! Meg!
[Meg shoots the gun but it's empty; Peter takes the gun and rolls the cylinder]
Peter: Alright, who's next?

[Chris catfishes Joe]
Chris: Checkmate.

Judge: Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict?
Mr. Foreman: We have not, your honor. We all fell we need another night at The Hyatt with free HBO.
Judge: That free HBO was just a preview. It ended today.
Mr. Foreman: We have a verdict, your honor.

Brian: Herf-Derf!

[Stewie looks at Doug's Instagram post about him going to China]
Stewie: Fat ankles.

Superintendent: I hereby reinstate Principal Shepherd.
Peter: Yes! I love you, baby!
[Peter grabs Lois and kisses a random woman]
Peter: Sorry, Lois. I needed you out of the way, so I could kiss this lady.

[Chris tries to publish "The Adventures of Flunky and Swishy" with with a book publisher]
Publisher: I'm sorry. It's not really our brand.
Chris: I see. Well, what about Phineas and Ferb erotic fanfiction?
Publisher: Now that is interesting. Read it to me, while I eat my soup.
Chris: Ferb was having a throbby morning. Phineas was having none of it.

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