[For a complete script, see: "Mr. Saturday Knight" at the Transcripts Wiki]

[Mr. Weed has just died. There is a knock on the front door to the Griffin residence]
Deep voice: Police! Random dead body search!
[Lois, Peter, and Brian panic. Peter tries to flush Mr. Weed's corpse down the toilet as Lois answers the door to find it is really Death]
Death: Ha ha! Naw, it is just me. I am only here to collect the dead body.
Lois: Peter! You can relax, it is only Death.
Peter: Oh, hey Death!
[Death takes the corpse and departs Griffin residence. Death's Dog appears]
Death's Dog: Hey, did someone choke on a dinner roll?
Brian: No, I recovered.
Death's Dog: Sorry about that.

The Black Knight: A word of advice... the path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility, not LSD and sideburns.

Peter: I still remember my last job at The Electric Company.
[cutaway to the word spelling segment]
Man: D
Peter: ot
Man: B
Peter: et
Man: Bet
Peter: Bet I knew that, slow it down now.
Man: P
Peter: it
Man: Pit
Peter: Pit. Oh, come on pal, this is my first day.
Man: F
Peter: at
Man: Fat
Peter: Oh, that's it, buddy!

[While at Chris' career day]
Peter: Hey, kids! Hey, you know what I do? I work at a toy factory and you know what I do there?
Boy: I bet you're just one of those low-level assembly-line guys who stands there all day screwing heads on dolls. "Ooh, is it on straight? I don't know." Boo!
Peter: Why, you little snot-nosed...
Teacher: Mr. Griffin! He plays kickball in the park after school. Get him there.

Mort: I was once addicted to antihistamines. I took so many I thought I was Mr. Peanut.

Peter: You know, since money's getting tight, I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids. You know, jokingly at first, but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and if you were cool with it, we would go from there.

Peter: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then he ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today... only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.

Margot Kidder: AAAH! AAAH! AAAAAH! Forgot my purse. AAAAAH!

Stewie: I'd do her, do her, wouldn't do her. Ugh, who hasn't done her? Do her, lose the pigtails and we'll talk, do her, do her.

Peter: [Dressed as a prostitute] Hey. Looking for a good time, sweetcheeks?
Meg: Oh. My God.
Lois: Peter, get in the car!
Peter: Ok, but it'll cost you. What do you want, a Cleveland steamer?
Lois: I said get in the car...what's a Cleveland steamer?
Brian: It means that he'll...
Peter: [As a police car passes] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Be cool; be cool. Yes, so go to Maple Street and then take a left and then you go...ok, so you want a party or what?
Lois: Get in this car right now! [Peter complies]
Stewie: It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.

Black Knight: What's your fatass doing here?
Bruce: He's my only means of conveyance, but I guess I do spoil him.
Black Knight: Clearly, you do.

Mort: Take that, you bastard! Nobody makes a fool out of Mort Goldman!

Lois: Remember that episode of The Honeymooners when Ralph lost his job, but at the end of the show he didn't get it back?
Peter: Oh yeah. What was up with that? That bugged the crap out of me.

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