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in: Episodes, Season 20

Must Love Dogs/Quotes

< Must Love Dogs
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[Lois goes as Marge Simpson for Halloween]
Lois: [in Marge Simpson's voice] Happy Halloween, kids.
Peter: I have to go do a dangerous speedball and become the least surprising death in Hollywood history.
Wild: It me! Borat! You know. From that picture, Borat. Ever seen it?
Meg: Yeah, that movie came out like 15 years ago.
Wild: Well, I've never heard of it but it was just about the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Trick-or-Treater: Kill yourself!
Trick-or-Treater Dressed as Elsa: Trick or treat!
Quagmire: Wow! That's the first Frozen I've seen in 35 seconds!
Peter: I'll go get those aforementioned beers. Thanks, word a day calendar.
Quagmire: Let's cut to the chase.
Brian: ... I like chases.
Brian: Well, well, well.
Quagmire: Just act like a normal, well behaved, non-talking dog.
Brian: Non-talking?
Quagmire: Yeah, just bark and stuff.
Brian: Bark? Jeez, it's been a while. Let me give it a try. [trying to bark] Brak.
Quagmire: Brak? The Hell is that?
Brian: I'm finding it.
[Carrie and Quagmire meet in the dog park with their dogs]
Carrie: Hi, Glenn. This is Dexter. [notices Brian] Aw, and who's this little guy?
Quagmire: [nervous] Uh, uh, this is Harvey. Named after Weinstein. Uh, cuz you can see his balls when he answers the door. [chuckles] I may be dating myself but in the 90's, the funniest thing you could so was show people your balls. [chuckles] Can you start talking now, please?
Carrie: Sorry. I couldn't hear you cuz my dog was licking my ear.
Quagmire: Oh thank God. This is my dog, Bob ... [nervious] Weinstein. He's man's best friend cuz he's very good at keeping quiet. Uh, you mind if I take five minutes in the parking lot?
[Flip to Quagmire and Brian finally returning from the parking lot]
Quagmire: [confident] This is Spot.
[Quagmire and Carrie Eskimo kiss]
Peter: Aw, not at the dinner table.
[Quagmire looks at all of the crippled dogs]
Quagmire: Is that one just a back half?
Carrie: Oh, Backsy? Yeah, she's a fighter.
Quagmire: Maybe she should stop fighting.
Stewie: Who are we waiting for, Chris?
Chris: I called in some professionals. They're gunna take us somewhere dad will never find your candy.
Stewie: And where's that?
Chris: I can't say. There are ears everywhere. [notices Mr. Feldman] Good morning, Mr. Feldman.
[Mr. Feldman, a really big-eared man jogs up]
Mr. Feldman: Morning, Chris. Couldn't help but overhear, you're off on a little trip.
Chris: [chuckles] Nevermind about that, Mr. Feldman.
[Mr. Feldman jogs off]
Chris: [whispering to Stewie] See?
Mr. Feldman: [offscreen] I could hear that!
Stewie: You know, I should really be in a backwards-facing car seat.
Stewie: You have any kids?
Chris: Don't make small talk with these guys.
Russian: No, no. It's alright. It's nice to have someone ask for a change. Yes, I have four children. All dead.
Stewie: Ah.
Pilot: Uh, folks our party time tonight is 2 hours and 48 minutes. We know you have lots of choices for terrible weekend activities and we hope to see you soon for an inconvenient weekend for their destination wedding, which I hear is on a Thursday, in Lisbon, Portugal.
[People complain]
Pilot: Yep. Yep.
Mr. Feldman: I'm hearing a lot of good things about that guy.
Quagmire: I've been lying to you and I've been lying to myself. There's something you need to know ... I hate dogs!
[Everybody gasps]
Pilot: This party has begun its initial descent.
Pilot: Uh, folks, please use caution as you exit the party as some of your feelings may have shifted.
Quagmire: I'm coming for you, Brian the dog. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day ... Maybe tomorrow.
Wild: Now, if'n you don't know, most Hollywood screenplays wrap up at around 110 pages and if'n it's a comedy, well, you want it in the 90's.
Wild: Men, don't be afraid to have the doctor put a camera up your old saddle masher. They knock you out, now and it's a good way to make sure there's no bad beans in your mess wagon.

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