[For the complete script, see: "No Meals on Wheels" at the Transcripts Wiki]

[Mexican Batman to Mexican Superman]
Mexican Batman: Hey, Mexican Superman. I got the keys made!
Mexican Superman: Mexican Batman, get out of here!
Mexican Batman: What? I got like sixty keys.
Mexican Superman: Silencio! Jefe aquí!
Mexican Batman: Qué?
Mexican Superman: Evicion!

[Joe to his army of cripples]
Joe: Men, form up Crippletron!

Chris: The guy at table seven complained there's not enough juice on his prime rib.
Stewie: Oh, did he now? Let me take care of that for him. [chugs wine down the rat's mouth, and vomits onto prime rib] Tell him "Bon appétit, douchebag."

Peter: Do you...see a wheelchair...under Mark Harmon?

[Mort spots a scarecrow of Hitler that Peter made]
Mort: Ohh my God, it's Hitler! He's back! He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew!

Stewie: Oh, look, an "On the Raggity Ann" doll.
[Pulls the string]
Raggity Ann: It's water weight, you bastard!
[Pulls the string]
Raggity Ann: Get off me! I'm not your whore!
[pulls the string]
Raggity Ann: I'm sorry, I'm just so sad!
Stewie: Well, I guess I can still play with it three weeks out of the month.

Thrift Store Salesman: Hi there! See anything you like?
Peter: Oh, I'm just browsing.
Thrift Store Salesman: Say, you look like you could use an activity book with half the activities done.
Peter: Wow, that would save me half the time.
Thrift Store Salesman: Connect the dots? Ha! More like set the book down and have a beer!
Peter: You got yourself a deal!
[Peter sees a pair of feety pajamas]
Peter: What are those?
Thrift Store Salesman: Those are a pair of red flannel feety pajamas.
Peter: Good lord.
Thrift Store Salesman: See, they got a flap that opens up in the back.
Peter: Are you telling me I could be pooping and warm?
Thrift Store Salesman: Exactly.
Peter: No longer will I have to make a choice between the two. Sir, here is a check with my name on it. Write down any number on this piece of paper, and I will pay it.

[Glenn is shown removing the Griffin's living room carpet]
Lois: Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet.
Glenn: Well, you know, Lois, I got to confess, when you called me, I sorta misunderstood what you were asking for. That's why I rushed over, but uhh... it's fine, it's fine, whatever, I'm happy to help.

Glenn: Hey, uhh.. Lois you want me to leave a little strip in this thing? Maybe a lightning bolt, unicorn, something like that?
Lois: No, I want it all gone, Glenn.
Glenn: Alright! We're going Brazilian.

[Peter looks out the window and sees Joe and his handicapped friends coming]
Peter: Alright, here they come.
[Joe and his friends come in]
Joe: Hey, Peter! We're here for dinner.
Peter: Oh, no, you're not, Joe. We have a new policy. Can't you read the sign?
[the sign says "No shirt, no shoes, no legs, no service"]
Joe: Peter, what the hell is that all about?
Peter: It's a message, Joe. I don't want you and your kind eating here anymore! You're ruining what was supposed to be a cool establishment!
Joe: Peter, you're one of my closest friends. Are you telling me that you have a problem with me being handicapped?
Peter: As a matter of fact, Joe, yes. I think it's immoral. It's a life-style choice you're forcing on America.
Joe: We handicapped are a proud people!
Peter: Yeah, when you're not drinking and gambling on your reservations which we gave you!
Joe: Fine, if that's the way you want it. But we're not gonna go down easy!
[Peter pushes Joe off his wheelchair]
Joe: Okay, that was easy.

[Peter zaps Brian]
Brian: Ow! Dammit Peter, stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the OJ verdict with my old roommate!
[cutaway to an apartment room]
Lady on TV: We the jury find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty.
Roommate: Yes!
Brian: What the hell?!
Brian and Roommate: What?!
[they point guns at each other]
Brian: Maybe we should get new roommates.
Roommate: Yeah, maybe we should.

[After experiencing life in a wheelchair all day, Peter rings the doorbell of the Swanson house and Joe comes out]
Peter: Joe, uh, you got a minute?
Joe: What is it, Peter?
Peter: Look, I, uh, just wanted to apologize. I thought you and your friends were just a bunch of gross cripples, but I've been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes now and I see how tough it is.
Joe: Well, Peter, it's been a rough week for both of us, but it means a lot to me to hear you say that.
Peter: So, what do you say? Can we put all this behind us?
Joe: I'd like nothing better. Hey, Bonnie and I are watching Grey's Anatomy if you want to come in.
Peter: Oh, boy, Joe, I...I got to tell you, that-that...that sounds awful.

Peter: Kneel before Christ!

Previous Episode's Quotes /// No Meals on Wheels's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.