- [sometime in 2002]
- Peter: Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
- Lois: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
- Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows, like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Luis, and Greg the Bunny.
- Lois: Is there no hope?
- Peter: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
- [Stewie is in deep sleep. A dream bubble shows Stewie in an agricultural area, rocking up and down on his chair. Drinks a bit of his cocktail]
- Stewie: Ohh, it's good to have land.
- Peter: Lois, I just got an idea. Much better than that time I experimented with gene splicing.
- [cutaway to kitchen. Lois reads the paper and Peter walks through as a deer]
- Peter: Uh, Lois, quick question, do we have any Tylenol?
- Peter: They've even got some of that high-class British porn.
- British Man: Almost... Almost... Almost... There we are.
- British Woman: Well done.
- Lois: I can't believe he just walked off the edge.
- Peter: Of course he did, Christians don't believe in gravity.
- Peter: Oh man, that's all we need: more Mel Gibson Jesus mumbo jumbo. Well, not if I have anything to say about it. I am going to make sure this never sees the light of day.
- Lois: Peter, are you crazy? Stealing Mel Gibson's towels, bathrobes, and Nazi paraphernalia is one thing, but this is a multi-million dollar film an he's a very powerful man he could have us arrested or killed.
- Peter: Well it's worth the risk, Lois. To save the world another two hours of torture. We've got to get rid of this thing for the sake of Jesus and Snoopy and all the other beloved children's characters.
- Stewie: Well, if I was in charge, we wouldn't be having this problem right now.
- Brian: Well, you've got some ideas, tell me.
- Stewie: Oh I'll tell you of course. I'll want a favor in exchange.
- [Brian is changing Stewie]
- Stewie: [Laughs] How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude? Aim Torpedos, Fire!
- Tom Tucker: In other news, a local junior high student was arrested for having cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy! We now go to Ollie Williams with the punishment. Ollie?
- Ollie Williams: HE GONNA GET IT!
- Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie. And now this!
- Friend: Come on, Chris, it's just vodka! Jake swiped it from his dad's liquor cabinet. [pours vodka into Jake's mouth]
- Jake: Yeah, see? It's good!
- Chris: Well, okay, maybe just one sip. [about to drink. Then a teacher opens the door]
- Teacher: Christopher Griffin! Is that alcohol?! Mister, you are in serious trouble. [Flint from "G.I. Joe" comes in from behind stall]
- Flint: He's absolutely right, kids. Because when you drink, nobody wins. In fact, last year alone there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse.
- Kids: Now we know!
- Flint: And knowing is half the battle.
- Chorus: G.I. Joooooooe!
- Lois: Ohh... Oh, Peter!
- Peter: Yes!
- Washington: Hey. Hey, Jefferson, check it out. Chick gettin' nailed on my head.
- Jefferson: Sweet. Hey, Teddy, pass the word down to Frankenstein.
- Lincoln: [sarcastic] Oh, ha-ha.
- [Stewie and Brian are in Lois and Peters' bedroom]
- Stewie: Did I remember to turn the stove off? .... yes.
- Peter: Uh, excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for the key to my specially reserved room.
- Desk Clerk: You're Mel Gibson?
- Peter: Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English.
- Desk Clerk: Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson!
- Peter:He He He He I am so clever, that's why they picked me to Congress to go to war
- [cut to Peter at Congress]
- Congressman 1: There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq.
- Peter: Well that may be, but what we're all forgetting is anyone that doesn't want to go to war is gay.
- Congressman 2: I want to go to war
- [All of Congress agreeing that they want to go to war]
- Dick Cheney: I was the first one who wanted to go to war.
- Chris: What good is mining for nose gold if you can't share with the townspeople?!
- Chris: I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
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