[To start a complete script, see: "PTV" at the Transcripts Wiki]
FCC Member: His chin looks like balls, you want me to cover that, too?
Peter: How 'bout that side boob? Huh? That turn you on? Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob. Good night, everybody.
Lois: [tackles Peter to the floor] Now, are you going to play tonight?
Peter: [cries] Yes!
Lois: You like eating red carpet, tough guy?!
Peter: [cries] Yes!
[Outside. Quagmire hears Peter and Lois while fetching the paper]
Lois: Say you like eating red carpet!
Peter: [cries] I like eating red carpet! [Quagmire faints]
Peter: Oh Lois, you are so full of...[air horn beeps] What?! Now I can't say [BEEP] in my own [BEEP]ing house? [BEEP] Great, Lois. Just [BEEP]in' great. You know, you're lucky you're good at [BEEP] my [BEEP] or I'd never put up with ya. You know what I'm talking about, when you [BEEP] lubed-up [BEEP] toothpaste in my [BEEP] while you [BEEP] on a cherry [BEEP] Episcopalian [BEEP] extension cord [BEEP] wetness [BEEP] with a parking ticket, that is the best.
Brian: East of Eden? So, you-you pretty much do whatever Oprah tells you to, huh?
Stewie: You know, this book's been around for 50 years. It's a classic.
Brian: But you just got it last week, and there's a giant Oprah sticker on the front.
Stewie: Oh, is that what that is? Let me just uh...[Desperately tries to remove sticker]
Brian: So, uh, what are you going to read after that one?
Stewie: Well, she hasn't told us yet. Damn!
Brian: [punches Stewie who start to cry] Whoops, crying baby. Better take him out
Peter: But, Lois, Meg sucks! Everything she does is so freakin terrible and depressing!
Peter: What the hell? They let Sarah Jessica Parker on TV, and she looks like a foot.
Quagmire: Welcome to Midnight Q. Tonight, we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charlie Mingus, Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book, and then, we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity giggity. Giggity goo. Stick around.
Stewie: Good day to you, sir. And now prepare to die.