- [Meg walks into the room with a buzz cut]
- Meg: I said damn, what a wild couple of days. Anyways, sup with you guys?
- Chris: Sorry amigo, not interested.
- Lois: I'm gonna go take a shower, so I can blow my nose into my hands.
- [Lois crashes into a wall]
- Lois: Ow! Dammit! I hate this house.
- [Peter walks in as Lois leaves]
- Peter: Morning, honey.
- Lois: [offscreen] Go to Hell!
- Peter: That was worse than an Italian guy, describing someone's sexuality.
- [Cutaway to Peter at an Italian dinner]
- Italian Guy: Anyway, my brother Louie, he's uh...he's a little off to the side, you know? Uh, foofy. Uh, up to the knuckle. He's uh...he's a backwards mechanic, likes to play in the dirt.
- Peter: You mean gay?
- Italian Mom: No! [starts crying]
- Italian Guy: Ma ma! Come on, Peter! Ma ma, Louie's not gay, he's ... he's creative.
- Stewie: Hey what are we gonna do tonight? Ooh, maybe we should watch that movie about Freud where Michael Fassbender repeatedly spanks Keira Knightley to orgasm.
- Brian: You saw that movie?
- Stewie: I saw that scene.
- Stewie: You certainly can't be any worse than the last roommate I had.
- [Cutaway to Peter sleeping in Stewie's crib with him]
- Stewie: What the?
- Peter: Please don't cry, she's already very angry at me.
- Lois: [offscreen] Peter, where are you? You will wash your hands after you poop.
- Peter: Shh. Shh. I won't.
- [Joe is playing Golden Tee and is too short to see the screen]
- Joe: How am I doing?
- Peter: Good job, Joe. Hole in one. [to the others] He just keeps switching clubs.
- [Peter is creating a song]
- Peter: Hmm, still a trace of melody. I'll just add some power tools. [adds power tool sound effects] Yeah, yeah, I'd drink vodka and Gatorade to that.
- Lois: Peter, since when are you a DJ?
- Peter: Since some guy came in the clam and heard my awesome jams and beats.
- Chris: Well, he's got the lingo down.
- Peter: Thanks, Chris. NOW SCREAM!
- Chris: AAAAAAAAAAH!
- Stewie: Who's this turd?
- Brian: Oh, this is Georgie.
- Stewie: Brian, I never said you could have guests.
- [Stewie tries to grab Georgie's backpack]
- Georgie: HEY, DON'T TOUCH THAT! [quickly grabs his backpack]
- Stewie: Okay, red flags flying.
- Lois: Brian, there you are. I wanted to tell you, you could come back and sleep in our room?
- Brian: What? I can?
- Lois: Yeah, turns out it was Peter, who was causing my allergies. He stuffed all our pillows with hay because he thought it looked comfortable in cartoons.
- [cutaway of Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire robbing a bank wearing lesser known presidents' masks]
- Peter: [wearing a mask of James K. Polk and pointing a gun at a bank teller] Alright, remember to tell everyone who did this!
- Bank teller: Um... Who are you guys supposed to be?
- Peter: [sighs] Come on, I'm James K. Polk, [gestures to Quagmire] he's Millard Fillmore, [gestures to Joe] he's William Henry Harrison!
- Joe: [wearing a mask of William Henry Harrison] First president to die in office.
- Bank teller: You should've been FDR.
- Joe: Why?
- Bank teller: Cause of the... You know.
- Joe: The wheelchair doesn't define me!
- Cleveland: [wearing a mask of Grover Cleveland] And I'm Grover Cleveland! It's funny cause my name's Cleveland.
- Peter: Aw, damn it, Cleveland, now we gotta kill them all!
- Joe: [points his shotgun at the bank teller] This guy gets it first.
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