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[For the complete script, see: "Peter's Got Woods" at the Transcripts Wiki]
- Drunk chick at a party: I just smoked the wrong end of a cigarette. Who wants to go swimming? Oh my God, this song is about me!
- James Woods: Peter? Where are ya? Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy.
- [The next piece of candy leads into a wooden crate; when James picks up the piece of candy Peter and Brian pull the string down, trapping James Woods, as Peter and Brian hold the trap down]
- Peter: Boy, I hope it's James Woods. 'Cause if it's me again, I'm gonna get really pissed off!
- Meg: [screaming at Peter] I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!
- Brian: You know, it's bad enough that Peter and I were fighting, but ever since he met James Woods, it's like I don't even exist.
- Stewie: You really care about a man who used to try and pick up girls at the Miss U.S.A. Pageant?
- [Flashback to Peter at the pageant when a girl comes on the catwalk]
- Peter: Hey, how's it going? I'm Peter. You want to go out sometime? Maybe you got a Saturday night free...
- [The girl walks away]
- Peter: You know what? To hell with you, then? Yeah, go to hell. Go to hell.
- [Another girl comes on the catwalk]
- Peter: Hey, I'm Peter. What do you say you and me go get a couple of beers, huh? Maybe we could...
- [The second girl walks away]
- Peter: Fine. You know what? You got mosquito-bite boobs anyway. I don't care. I don't care. I don't need you.
- [A third girl comes on the catwalk]
- Peter: Hey, how are you? I'm Peter. I got a coupon for Sizzler with your name on it. Maybe the two of us could...
- [The third girl walks away]
- Peter: You know what? I don't care. You're a bitch.
- [Back to the diner]
- Stewie: Well, Brian, I know you're upset now, but if there's anything I've learned in this life, it's that you can't let the little things -
- [Stewie sees two hookers enter the diner]
- Stewie: Hey! Hey! Where's my money?!
- [The hookers exit]
- Stewie: Don't you walk out on me!
- Ronald Reagan: [Staring at a brick wall] Mr. Gorbachev tear down this wall! Tear it down now!! [Begins hitting the building] REAGAN SMASH!!!! REAGAN SMASH!!!! [reveal him hitting a McDonald's building]
- McDonald's Cashier 1: What is that?
- McDonald's Cashier 2: Oh it's just Mr. Reagan. Just leave him alone and don't worry he will tire himself out.
- Ronald Reagan: [lying on the sidewalk] Reagan sleepy...
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