[For a complete script, see: "Wedding Peter & Lois' Wedding" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Peter: This is the story of the greatest trilogy ever told ... The Mighty Ducks. It was a time of great nonsense, ...
Meg: Dad, why don't you tell us how you and mom fell in love and got married?
Chris: And in go the earbuds.

Quagmire: I got a promotion at Blockbuster!
[Everyone claps like in the theme song of "Friends"]
Peter: Gleonard Quagmire, that is fantastic news.
Quagmire: I know right? You know how I always felt like I was stuck in second gear? Well, this is a new gear!

[Peter rants about the "fountain dancing" in the theme song of "Friends"]
Peter: It was senseless. We were in our clothes for God's sake. Everyone got wet. It was cold. You know, there were originally nine friends, but three of them died of pneumonia. I'm still haunted by Chad's shivering last words, "Don't let Monica get Botox."

Lois: Alanis Morisette was America's sweetheart in the 90's. She went on to become one of the CDs in the garage.

Seamus: Lois, let's go take a midnight swim in Sharkbite Cove.
Lois: Oh, sounds wonderful, Seamus, but I have other plans.
Seamus: Okay, well. I'm definitely going.

Quagmire: Hey, guys! There's a great concert in World Trade Center Plaza this weekend!
Cleveland: Really? Who's playing?
Quagmire: They got Korn, Cranberries, and Cake.
Peter: Oh, that sounds delicious, but who are the bands?
Quagmire: Oh, they're opening with Cake.
Peter: Wait, shouldn't cake be last? It's a desert.
Quagmire: No, Korn is last. Korn is a bigger draw than Cake.
Peter: Corn is not a bigger draw than cake! Cake is delicious.
Quagmire: [reads the other bands] No Doubt ...
Peter: Well, I'm glad you agree with me, Quagmire, but that still doesn't address this issue of the order.
Bonnie: My last show was a Weezer concert.
Peter: Well, that's cuz everyone smokes nowadays. What band did we see last time at the Palladium?
Quagmire: It was uh, Blur.
Peter: Yeah, I can't remember either.

Peter: The MTV beach house was located in the most hepatitis rich part of Florida, known as Florida.

Quagmire: Whazzup!?
Peter: [chortles] Commercials. No skipping those yet.

[Joe hits on Daria Morgendorffer from "Daria"]
Joe: So, you partying hard or hardly partying?
Daria: Hardly interested.

Carter: Hey, you're Daisy Fuentes.
Daisy Fuentes: Oh, that's how I say my last name.

Daisy Fuentes: We're having fun cuz it's not 9/11 yet.

Lois: Right then and there, I vowed I would never see him again.
[Beavis and Butt-Head watch "Family Guy"]
Butt-Head: Eheheheheh. She said "Wood". Uhuhuhuh. That was cool.
Beavis: Yeah, wood! Wood!

Junior: Daddy, tell us more about the black 90's.
Cleveland: Well, Magic Johnson got AIDs and I was like "What!?" but then he came back the next season and scored thirty points in a game where no one would touch him.
Junior: And he caught it through heterosexual sex contact? Well, that is magic.

Quagmire: Forrest Gump is ridiculous! One guy does what he's told all the time and makes millions but a girl goes off, tries to be different, gets AIDs, and dies!
Peter: I find your argument shallow and pedantic.

Carter: I can't believe the wedding is just two scenes away.

Carter: Now, listen. We don't have much time before the wedding, so I wanna go over something, regarding the father-daughter dance. It goes, Dalla halla walla balla dalla macarena. Waca laca chaca haca baca macarena.
Lois: Daddy, I don't think "The Macarena" is the best father-daughter dance.
Carter: Well, how 'bout another song from the 90's. [singing] Casey would waltz with a strawberry blonde and the band played on! [normal] What, wrong 90's?

Peter: We did ecstasy, which was terrible for you and only ever made me feel fantastic. Kids, don't do it. It's too awesome. They said it would burn a hole in your brain but show me the hole.
Lois: Peter, that's enough.
Peter: If you hate pure, unconditional love and experiencing the profound harmony of the universe, definitely do not try this drug. There's also like a 90% chance you'll hook up, but really, no, don't do it. Even if you don't hook up, you don't care. But you'll hook up, guaranteed.
Lois: Okay, Peter. Let's move on.
Chris: And what was the name of that drug?

Priest: Do you, Lois Commondenomonator Pewterschmidt, accept this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Peter: That's a fact. Just as sure as the Star Wars movies are a perfect isolated trilogy, unmarred by additional canon.

Junior: Why did you have a white bronco, daddy?
Cleveland: I was driving my innocent friend, O.J. and his ex-wife's head down to Mexico.

Lois: I was having serious regrets about my decision, but was already pregnant with Meg, so there was no backing out.

Meg: Wow, mom and dad. I feel like I've learned so much tonight and not just about you guys but also about the 90's.
Peter: Oh, there's a lot more to learn about the 90's, Meg. Like for instance, are you familiar with a band called Counting Crows?
Chris: I think I might've heard them in a Starbucks.
Peter: Yes, you have. Anyway, their lead singer is this thing called Adam Duritz. He looks like if Mark Marrin had sex with a scarecrow and gave birth to a baby made of hemp.
Lois: I always thought he looked like The Cowardly Lion in a suburban white high school production of The Wiz.
Chris: That's not what that is?
Peter: No, Chris. But actually, the joke's on us because this Sideshow Bob burnout slept with a primo roster of 90's tail. Jennifer Aniston, ...
Chris: No.
Peter: ... Courtney Cox ...
Chris: What!?
Peter: ... Winona Ryder ...
Chris: That guy!?
Peter: ... Christina Applegate, Lara Flynn Boyle, Emmy Rossum, ...
Chris: Well, this is just making me angry!
Peter: ... Mary-Louise Parker ...
Chris: Mmm, I hear she's difficult.

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