[For the complete script, see: "Pilot Pitch" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Lois: Kids, I just don't know if I like the idea of your father going to a stag party tonight.
Meg: Relax, mom, it's just a bunch of guys sitting around with a black marker and a checklist of the Ten Commandments.
Chris: Heh-heh, thou shalt get drunk. Yeah!
Lois: Chris, you're 13, don't talk like that.

Lois: Peter, you know this is all because you drank at the stag party.
Peter: I know, Lois, honey, you were right. Alcohol is trouble. Now I feel kinda guilty I ever gave Chris' first taste of beer. [to Chris] Eh, but you turned out okay, didn't ya, pal?
Chris: I'm gonna go get wasted. [leaves]
Peter: Okay, look both ways.

Meg: Bacon's great mom, where's the orange juice?
Brian: Over there by the crotch
Chris: Heh-heh, that's cool that dad slept in the kitchen.
Peter: Now kids, this is not a good example. Daddy only drank so the State of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Lois: Peter, I honestly don't believe you. You spent the night on the kitchen table and your still drunk.
Peter: I'm sorry honey, are you mad?
Lois: No, I'm just very dissa...[chair collapses and she falls]
Meg: Mom, are you alright?
Lois: My goodness, this chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly, I could've broken my neck.
Stewie: Damn! [violent music plays]
Peter: Look honey, I'm late for work, can we talk about this when I get back?
Lois: Alright Peter but we haven't finished this conversation.
Peter: Okay, bye.[rolls off the table and collapses on the ground with all the breakfast]

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