[For the complete script, see: "Play It Again, Brian" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Lois: Come on, Peter! We're gonna be late for lunch with Mom and Dad...[turns around to find Peter dressed in fishing gear]
Peter: Oh...right.
Lois: You didn't forget, did you?
Peter: No, no, I didn't forget. Uh, let me just change out of this fishing gear. [we see from the window Peter running outside and knocking on Cleveland's door]
Cleveland: Hey Peter, what's up?
Peter: [panicked] Come on, come on! We gotta go now! We gotta go now! Come on! Joe! Joe! Quagmire! Come on, go, go, go, go, go! [Quagmire runs out with fishing gear as Joe backs his truck up] Pull the car around! Come on, let's go! [they leave, the phone rings and Lois answers it]
Lois: Hello?
Peter: Lois? This is Peter. I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change, I took ill. You'd best go to lunch without me.
Lois: Why do I hear an engine?
Peter: Uh, because my stomach is rumbling in a way that sounds like the engine of Joe's fishing truck.
Lois: Peter, are you lying?
Peter: Oh, now she's a doctor, guys!
Quagmire: Hi, Lois!
Peter: Quagmire says "Hi."
Lois: Damn it, Peter, you're going fishing, aren't you? You promised me you'd come to lunch with my parents today!
Peter: Well, Lois, until we get an appointment secretary, things like this are gonna continue to fall through the cracks.
Lois: Ugh, my parents are not gonna like this, Peter! You know, they're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding.
[Cutaway to Pewterschmidt-Griffin Wedding]
Minister: You may now kiss the bride.
Peter: Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her!

[at the table with Chris]
Chris: Mom, are you still mad at Dad about yesterday?
Lois: Well, sort of. I mean, we planned that lunch two weeks ago. But he promised he'd go with me to put flowers on my grandmother's grave this afternoon, so I guess it's all right. Peter, are you ready... [Lois gets up and turns around to find Peter dressed in diving gear]
Peter: Oh...right.

[in bed at night]
Brian: So, uh, a lot of tension with Peter lately, huh?
Lois: [sighs] That's an understatement, Brian. He's been incredibly thoughtless lately; Even more so than usual. But tonight is our sex night, and a little physical release will do us both some good. Peter, are you re... OH, COME ON! [she turns to find Peter dressed in a beekeeper suit]
Peter: Lois, I know it's late, but me and the guys were going beekeeping.

[Herbert is babysitting Meg, Chris, and Stewie]
Herbert: All right, children. Your mammy and pappy asked me to look after you for the next couple of days, so I wanna lay down a few ground rules. No cussin', clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio, and then it's off to bed.
Chris: Well, that sucks!
Herbert: And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis.
Meg: No offense, Mr. Herbert, but I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here.
Herbert: Well, no offense to you, Meg, but you're a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here.

[Brian reads his essay]
Brian: She was Grace, in name and in essence. To those she loved, she exuded strength, life, laughter and light, and to me, also sorrow for circumstance that had bound her to my best friend through whom we met in the warmth and serenity of her home. Nothing from the first day I saw her and no one that has happened to me since, has ever been as frightening and as confusing. For no person I've ever known has ever done more to make me feel more sure, more insecure, more important and less significant.

Brian: Ah, this is gonna be great; a whole evening with Lois! We're gonna have such a fun time. [in his imagination] Lois, my darling! [kisses her]
[back to present]
Brian: Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes.... [in his imagination, again] Lois, my darling! [kisses her]
[back to present, again]
Brian: ....a little music, some candlelight. [in his imagination, again] Lois, my darling! [kisses her]
[back to present, again, this time, Brian stops]
Brian: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What am I doing?! This is Lois, Peter's wife! How could I think about trying anything?!
[his cell phone rings]
Brian: Hello?
Stewie: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage?
Brian: Um....
Stewie: No, right?
Brian: No.
Stewie: Yeah, not gonna fly, old man! Thanks, Brian.
Herbert: Damnit, I'm missing Boy Meets World for this?!

Brian: ...I did a bad thing, and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Stewie: Ugh, that's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show.
[Cutaway to Stewie standing in the middle of a crowd of hippies. His pupils are ridiculously dilated]
Stewie: [holding up a tie-dyed T-shirt] Does anyone wanna buy my shirt? ...I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese!

Stewie: So what happened, sport? Come on. Talk to your pal, Stewie.
Brian: Alright but only because I gotta tell somebody ... I pretty much just threw myself at Lois.
Stewie: So you finally did it, huh? Well look, Brian, as your friend I...I should tell you that that vagina is just ground zero, man. I mean, I...I just wrecked that thing on the way out. And just to be a jerk, I carved "Brooks Was Here" on the wall. D...Did you see that? Did you see "Brooks Was Here"?
Brian: We didn't have sex.
Stewie: Of course with Chris coming out before me, I pretty much just walked outta there. Didn't even have to stoop over. There was even room to twirl a cane as I strolled.
Brian: You're exaggerating.
Stewie: Only a little bit! That's the messed up thing!

Peter: Mornin', Lois.
Lois: Peter, there you are! Were you down at that hotel bar all night again?
Peter: I was, Lois, and you know who's staying at this hotel? Nathan Lane. We got wasted at the bar and he ended up asking me to marry him, so I convinced this minister to do the job, but the joke's on Nathan Lane 'cause gay people can't get married!
Lois: They can in this state, Peter.
Peter: Oh. Well, in that case, we're registered at Filene's.

Peter: I am so glad Brian brought us out here, Lois. He's a real pal, you know that?
Lois: Well, it's actually Brian I need to talk to you about.
Peter: Boy, he's a hell of a guy, isn't he? The one guy I know I can trust.
Lois: Brian tried to have sex with me.
Peter: Was he bigger than me?

Herbert: [reading Peter and the Wolf to Chris as a bedtime story] "... and they told Peter to stay away from the wolf. But he didn't listen to them..." 'Cause he's his own man. And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous turn out to be the most fun! Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter... [whistles the theme to "Peter and the Wolf"]
Chris: Are you a pedophile?

[Peter joins Brian at the bar after Peter finds out about Brian's affair with Lois]
Peter: Hey, uh, Lois told me there was some funny business.
Brian: Yeah, what of it?
Peter: Well, it's just...I can't help but feel a little betrayed, Brian. Lois is my wife, and...I mean, all the dry food I bought for you over the years?
Brian: Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that?
Peter: Say what now?
Brian: You don't deserve her! She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation!
Peter: Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months!
Brian: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Peter: Oh, y-you're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian! You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.
[Brian throws his drink at Peter, Peter pushes him, Brian pushes back, and the two start fighting]
Nathan Lane: Stop it! Get off my husband.

Lois Griffin: Hey, you know what might be fun? How about we just order room service and watch a couple of bad movies?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, that does sound like fun. I'll go rent Vanilla Sky.
Lois Griffin: I said a bad movie, not an abortion.

Nathan Lane: Now come on Peter, you promised me we'd have dinner with my parents.
[Pans out to Peter, who is in full fishing gear]
Peter: Oh...right...

Announcer: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary! on BET.
[a cheetah is shown running]
Black Narrator: Damn, looka that sumbitch go. He haulin' ass! Dat thing come by my house, I'll kill it. [the cheetah eats a meerkat] That little rat-looking thing just got ate! Damn, nature, you scary!

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