Lois: You bought Vine and shut it down.
Carter: I did what?

Brian: [To Lois] So what'd you do with the gun?
Peter: [attention drawn] Gun?

Lois: [referring to Peter's performance during her 'birthday sex'] Unlike you, guns can actually fire.
Chris: I don't think this marriage needs a gun.

Lois: [Explaing to Meg why Babs can't take care of Carter] Well, she's busy. She went to Antarctica to steal a penguin.
Peter: [attention drawn] Penguin?

Babs: [Angrily holding a gun on the family after shooting Carter in the head] Who told Carter he could give away our fucking money?

Peter: [With Carter back to his old self] Aww, the gunshot changed him back.

Peter: Happy birthday, Lois. You know, today, you officially become the oldest woman I've ever slept with.
Lois: Yes, you said the same thing last year.
Peter: Well, unlike you, that joke never gets old. Oh, and I forgot to pick up the cake.

Lois: I'm trying to explain that guns are hazardous and unsafe! Not have a conversation about a tepid 1990's Canadian sketch group.
Carter: You're wrong about guns and comedy. I'm out of here! Buh-bye!
[Carter leaves]
Lois: Was that a tepid 1990's David Space reference?
Carter: [offscreen] People are allowed to like things!

TV Announcer: We now return to The Orville on FOX.
[Peter shoots up the TV]
Chris: Why do you hate that show so much?
Peter: [voiced by someone else] Because it's preventing me from doing my work here at Family Guy.

[Carter has a parrot on his shoulder]
Carter: [whispering] Don't do anything to scare him. He flew on my shoulder, while I was having a lemonade.
Lois: Daddy, I ...
[Lois' talking frightens the bird, making it fly away]
Carter: [angered] What?

Dr. Hartman: Hey, quick question? Any of you guys know how to counter-sue somebody?

Lois: Daddy living here is gonna be a big adjustment and we're all gonna have to make sacrifices. So Meg, Daddy will sleep in your room and Stewie and Chris, you stay where you are.
Meg: What? I'm the only one sacrificing!
Lois: Don't be ridiculous, Meg. I said everybody's names.

[Peter replaces his skin with stained class and sits at the dinner table]
Chris: I don't get it.
Stewie: Neither do I.
[The sun shines on Peter, making the entire room rainbow]
Chris: Oh my God!
Stewie: Dad's beautiful!

Peter: So, ideas. How do we make Carter mean again?
Meg: Why don't we hire a prostitute to bring him almost to completion?
Peter: Okay, don't love that my daughter came out of the gates with that.

Meg: Why don't we take him to a truck stop bathroom and then after completion, we ...
Peter: Okay, Meg. Are you trying to get a rise out of me? 'Cuz guess what, young lady. It worked.
Meg: Well, at least I'm saying real ideas and not just repeating things I've seen in children's programming.
Chris: Yeah, dad, I kind of agree with Meg. It seems like you're going for comedy over substance.
Peter: I see. Well then, I have one last idea how to make Carter mean. [bursts into tears] Turn him into one of my kids!

Peter: Alright, here's the plan. I clothespin his balls. Meg and Chris, you twist his nipples in opposite directions.
Meg: I'm glad you came around.

Lois: Guns create problems, but they solve them too.
Peter: You said it, Lois. And you know why else has a gun? Stan Smith. Take it away, Stan!
Lois: Peter, that's ... that show's not on after us anymore.

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