- Ron MacFarlane: Hi, I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's dad, and I'm here to tell you about a very special Christmas in Quahog. Kenny Rogers was supposed to be here, but I think he's dead. Anyway, Seth came out of my penis, and then he made this
- Stewie: What the hell?! Why isn't the line moving?!
- Brian: I dunno. It's always the same thing, some fat kid sittin' on Santa's lap takin' all day.
- Peter: [giggles] And I want a Charles in Charge lunchbox and I want a Magna-Doodle, and a new Uno game on a...'cause I lost the "Draw Two" card, and I want a pet animal that's half chinchilla and half mink, 'cause it'd be really soft and I could call it "Chink" and that's okay.
- Stewie: Brian, why does the North Pole have black teenagers?
- Brian: Um, uh, from Katrina?
- Stewie: Nobody vomits at the North Pole, except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder!
- Brian: What?
- Stewie: Yeah, because he can have anyone he wants and she knows that!
- Winnie-the-Pooh: Come on Eeyore, let's go play!
- Eeyore: I don't feel like it.
- Winnie-the-Pooh: Why are you always in such a bad mood?
- Eeyore: I have a nail in my anus.
- Winnie-the-Pooh: Oh...
- Brian:What is this?! What are you doing?
- Stewie: Hitching a ride, I'm gonna keep heading North until I find Santa!
- Brian: Stewie, you're not gonna find him!
- Stewie: You do what you want, Brian. But I'm going to the North Pole and gonna kill that Bastard!!
- Brian: Stewie, you're putting me in a hell of a position here, but I have no choice. You're not gonna kill Santa Claus because he doesn't exist!
- Stewie: [laughs] Rea-rea-Really, Brian? He doesn't exist?
- Brian: That's right, he's not real!
- Stewie: Oh, interesting, interesting theory, Brian. Um, who else isn't real? Hmm? Y...You gonna tell me Elmo isn't real? Huh? SpongeBob? Is he not real, Brian? Is he? Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business? Hmm? And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist? Hmm? Is Curious George not really out there makin' little boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering? Huh? Educate yourself, you fool.
- Canadian: Oh, hey there. You're having some car troubles, eh?
- Stewie: Yeah, we're trying to get to the North Pole. I don't suppose you're from Triple A, are you?
- Canadian: Who?
- Stewie: Triple A, you know? A-A-A.
- Canadian: Oh, AA, eh? Oh, I just came from AA.
- Stewie: No, not AA! AAA!
- Canadian: Yeah, that's what I said. AA, eh?
- Stewie: Oh, so you are with Triple A.
- Canadian: Oh, no, that's AAA. I just came from AA, eh?
- Stewie: Huh?
- Brian: Stewie, I think he's just a drunk.
- Stewie: Well, drunk or not, can you help us?
- Canadian: I can if you wanna join AA, eh?
- Stewie: Oh, I'm already a member of AAA! I need help with the car!
- Canadian: Oh, I see. Yeah, looks like you got some water leakage. You might need a hose, eh?
- Stewie: José, Roberto, whatever. If you got some Latinos up here that can fix cars, that'd be great.
- Canadian: No, I mean, it looks like you need a part, eh?
- Stewie: Well, yeah, when it's fixed, we can celebrate, but let's deal with first thing's first.
- Canadian: Well, I can probably take you to a gas station, eh? You have cash, eh?
- Stewie: Well, I dunno, my name carries a little weight, but I don't see how that matters here.
- Brian: Look, we...we...we don't have enough cash to fix the car and we're kind of on our way to the North Pole.
- Canadian: Oh, a car won't take ya there anyway. But if ya like, you can take my snowmobile.
- Brian: Really? Ya just...give it to us?
- Canadian: Oh, sure. That's what Canadian hospitality's all aboot. If ya like, you can have all my money and my leg.
- [pause]
- Stewie: Okay.
- Stewie: Brian, how long do you think we've been driving?
- Brian: I dunno. I've lost track. Besides, dogs don't have a good sense of time. Could be three hours, could be three years, I don't fucking know.
- Stewie: This can't be it. This can't be Santa's workshop. This looks like Bridgeport, Connecticut.
- Brian: Oh, boy, get ready for the letters.
- [cut to a guy from Bridgeport writing a hate letter]
- Bridgeport Guy: "Dear Family Guy Bastards, Who the hell do you think you are?! I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. So eat my shit, Jew writers!"
- Santa Claus: We used to make wooden choo-choos and rag dolls. You ever try to make an iPod?! I've got orders for millions of 'em!
- Stewie: Oh, that reminds me, I need a new version of Quicken.
- Peter: Joe, did you get any Christmas presents?!
- Joe: No!
- Quagmire: Me, neither!
- Mort: I got eight mediocre things!
- Tom Tucker: Well, folks, you heard it here first on Channel 5 News. Look like we have a choice. One Christmas gift a year for each one of us. Can we live with that?
- Chris: I can.
- Lois: So can I.
- Peter: Me, too.
- Meg: I can, too.
- Quagmire: I can live with that.
- Joe: Count me in.
- Mayor Adam West: One is enough.
- Seamus: Aye.
- Bruce: I can.
- Herbert: One gift is okay.
- Dr. Hartman: I can live with it.
- Cleveland: Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, somebody's gettin' punched in the fuckin' face!!
- Dan: Hey who the hell are you?
- Brian: Uh... Hello.
- Dan: What are you doing in my house?
- Stewie: We're Santa Claus... es.
- Dan: Yeah you're Santa Claus, that's why you broke in through the window I'm calling the cops!
- Brian: No, no no no, I-I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually-, it's kind of a funny story.
- (Stewie beats Dan with a baseball bat knocking him unconscious)
- Brian: What the hell did you do?!
- Stewie: He was gonna call the cops man, you can't call the cops on Santa.
- Stewie: Alright that's the last of the blood, go check on the other kid.
- Brian: What other kid?
- Stewie: Johnny, the one who's getting the bat.
- Brian: [runs upstairs] Stewie there's only one bedroom up here.
- Stewie: What? Do you have a brother?
- [The girl nods her head no]
- Stewie: Well then who the hell is Joh...? Oh my God, we're in the wrong house.
- [Stewie and Brian run into Quagmire and his niece in line to see the mall's Santa]
- Brian: Glenn? Glenn Quagmire? Wow! What are you doin' here?
- Quagmire: [not surprised] Oh, hi, Brian. Just waitin' for Santa, like everyone else.
- Brian: Cool, cool. We'll just hang with you guys. [approaches Quagmire's niece] Hey, who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy! You excited to see Santa? Hope you've been a good boy this year.
- [her eyes fill with tears]
- Quagmire: That "little guy" is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy.
- Stewie: Uh-oh.
- Quagmire: Do you know how much talking it took to get her outta the house because of her no-hair?
- Brian: Gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.
- Quagmire: Oh, you're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?
- Brian: Aw, c'mon. I didn't know she was dying.
- Quagmire: Who said anything about dying?
- Abby: Uncle Glenn, am I dying?
- Quagmire: [holds her close] No, sweetheart, you're not dying, 'cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna give you a new brain. [turns to Brian, gritting his teeth] Get outta here, Brian. Just get outta here.
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Road to the North Pole's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes