- [Joe introduces Quagmire as roastmaster]
- Quagmire: Thanks you, thank you, thank you very mush. Joe, I'd tell you to take your seat, but I'd be about fifteen years too late.
- Quagmire: Well first off, Peter's always been special. In high school, he didn't play sports, but he did wear a helmet.
- Quagmire: But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas?
- Carter: As Lois' father, I hate the thought of her having sex with Peter.
- Lois: [offscreen] And so do I!
- Carl: I asked Peter what he got on his SATs. He said "Mayonnaise."
- Becca: [about Lois] That voice! Ugh.
- Jamie: Your wife is such a pig.
- Peter: Oh I don't know about that, Jamie. Pigs eat slop; Lois only cooks it.
- Peter: Our cycles have lined up; mine's from wiping too hard.
- Jamie: I guess Peter made it to the bathroom 'cause I can't feel him walking anymore!
- Becca: I know! Fe fi fo fum! Right?
- Peter: Lois, you were right; those women were talking about me.
- Lois: Oh, dear. What did they say?
- Peter: I don't even remember. There was such a long cutaway, but I know it was really mean.
- Jerome: Peter, you're loud, you can't hold down a job and your blood pressure's high. If ya didn't have such a damn tiny ding a ling, you could be a black guy!
- Cleveland: Peter's got a small penis, but hey! Nuthin' grows in the shade!
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Roasted Guy's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 12 | Family Guy Season 13 | Season 14 >> | |||||||||
| #01 | The Simpsons Guy | #07 | Stewie, Chris & Brian's Excellent Adventure | #13 | Dr. C & The Women | ||||||
| #02 | The Book of Joe | #08 | Our Idiot Brian | #14 | #JOLO | ||||||
| #03 | Baking Bad | #09 | This Little Piggy | #15 | Once Bitten | ||||||
| #04 | Brian the Closer | #10 | Quagmire's Mom | #16 | Roasted Guy | ||||||
| #05 | Turkey Guys | #11 | Encyclopedia Griffin | #17 | Fighting Irish | ||||||
| #06 | The 2000-Year-Old Virgin | #12 | Stewie Is Enceinte | #18 | Take My Wife |
| |||||