[For a complete script, see: "Short Cuts" at the Transcripts Wiki]
Stewie: Look at this, Brian. Genderless baby announcement.
Brian: It's a they.
Stewie: Good for they.
Joanna: I'm getting my friend a birthday card in Spanish ... but he doesn't speak Spanish! [laughs]
Stewie: Oh-ho-ho-ho! He's not gonna know what it says! Oh, you're bad.
Mort: Go on! Scoot! Get out of here! Or I'll do the cliche pharmacy price check jokes.
Brian: You wouldn't dare.
Mort: [over the intercom] Yes, I need a price check on extra small condoms!
Joanna: [offscreen][laughs] That's the last thing he'd wanna announce! [laughs] Oh, God!
Brian: Can you believe he threw us out? That's discrimination! It's just like what happened to those blacks at Starbucks.
Stewie: Those blacks?
Lois: Look at this picture of Shailene Woodley. She's so talented and overrated and weird. I love her. Isn't her hair cut cute? Maybe I'll get my hair cut short too.
Peter: Wha ... n ... no! No way! I forbid it!
Lois: What? You can't forbid that.
Peter: Yes I can. That's the one thing men are allowed to control about women. That and your uterus and how much money you make and also everything else.
Peter: Establishing shot!
Tom: We're here with local hero, Brian Griffin, who recently foiled a robbery at Goldman's pharmacy, which by the way is getting its ass kicked by the CVS across the street.
Stewie: Shredder? He sounds like a ski instructor with a full beard who plays average guitar and never texts me back.
Brian: He's a dog I used to run with back when I was living on the street. I haven't heard from him in years. I'm actually surprised he's still alive. He just drank all the time and tried to get laid. Hard to be friends with someone like that.
Stewie: Yes, it is.
[Lois enters with a pixie cut]
Peter: Excuse me, sir but this is a private residence.
Peter: You look like Anne Hathaway in Les Misera-
[Lois slaps Peter across the face]
Lois: [infuriated] DON'T YOU EVER COMPARE ME TO FUCKING ANNE HATHAWAY! EVER!