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[For a complete script, see: "Short Cuts" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Stewie: Look at this, Brian. Genderless baby announcement.
Brian: It's a they.
Stewie: Good for they.

Joanna: I'm getting my friend a birthday card in Spanish ... but he doesn't speak Spanish! [laughs]
Stewie: Oh-ho-ho-ho! He's not gonna know what it says! Oh, you're bad.

Mort: Go on! Scoot! Get out of here! Or I'll do the cliche pharmacy price check jokes.
Brian: You wouldn't dare.
Mort: [over the intercom] Yes, I need a price check on extra small condoms!
Joanna: [offscreen] [laughs] That's the last thing he'd wanna announce! [laughs] Oh, God!

Brian: Can you believe he threw us out? That's discrimination! It's just like what happened to those blacks at Starbucks.
Stewie: Those blacks?

Lois: Look at this picture of Shailene Woodley. She's so talented and overrated and weird. I love her. Isn't her hair cut cute? Maybe I'll get my hair cut short too.
Peter: Wha ... n ... no! No way! I forbid it!
Lois: What? You can't forbid that.
Peter: Yes I can. That's the one thing men are allowed to control about women. That and your uterus and how much money you make and also everything else.

Peter: Establishing shot!

Tom: We're here with local hero, Brian Griffin, who recently foiled a robbery at Goldman's pharmacy, which by the way is getting its ass kicked by the CVS across the street.

Stewie: Shredder? He sounds like a ski instructor with a full beard who plays average guitar and never texts me back.
Brian: He's a dog I used to run with back when I was living on the street. I haven't heard from him in years. I'm actually surprised he's still alive. He just drank all the time and tried to get laid. Hard to be friends with someone like that.
Stewie: Yes, it is.

[Lois enters with a pixie cut]
Peter: Excuse me, sir but this is a private residence.

Peter: You look like Anne Hathaway in Les Misera-
[Lois slaps Peter across the face]
Peter: [cowering] You're right. You're right. I'm ... I'm sorry.

Peter: With my boobs and your hair everybody's gonna think we're a lesbian couple.

George: So, Brian. Do you wanna know how I did all this?
Brian: I really do.
George: I got neutered.
Brian: [winces in discomfort] But why?
George: Getting neutered eliminated all distractions and allowed me to focus solely on my work. Sometimes you have to literally cut out the things that hold you back.

Brian: I love that book, Charles Dickens by David Copperfield. Writing was his real magic.

Peter: I just don't understand. One minute I got a hot ginger wife and the next, I'm married to Ron Weasley.

Cleveland: Donna wears a wig so I've never even seen her real hair but I would imagine it looks like an old faded sweater that needs to be depilled.

Peter: The punchline is it was 9/11.

Brian: I'm gonna write an inspirational book about my life and I'm calling it The Holy Brible.
Stewie: Please don't.

Brian: I've always believed I was destined for a life like yours but something was holding me back. Now I realize, it was two things.

Stewie: Brian, are you sure about getting neutered?
Brian: I am. You've seen everything George Townsend's accomplished. That's the life I've always dreamed of.
Stewie: Yes, but how much do you really know about him? Have you read his books?
Brian: Course I've read his books. They changed my life. Look, Stewie. This is a huge step for me and if you can't support me, well then maybe I should cut you out of my life too.
[Brian storms off into the closet]
Stewie: Brian, that's a closet.
Brian: [offscreen] I know. I have stuff to do in here.

Bentley: Hey. You want a half of my sandwich?
Peter: Oh. Yeah, very cool Bentley. Who made this?
Bentley: My wife.
Peter: Oh, you ... your wife with AIDS?
Bentley: She doesn't have AIDS! She did a walk for people with AIDS!
Peter: But presumably there were people with AIDS at the walk?
Bentley: Yeah but you can't get ...
Peter: That's a no on the sandwich, Bentley.

Peter: I'm gonna make one political donation with your email address, so you'll be screwed for life!

Lois: I'm going to rededicate my life to Christ.
Peter: Oh, that's really bad!

George: You abandoned me. You promised we'd be there for each other forever. Then the minute Peter Griffin came along, you just got in his car and left me.
Brian: I was gonna come back and get you and ... and then ... and then Trump happened and ... and ... all that.

Meg: So, anyone wanna ask me about my week? ... Kind of a big week for the Megster ... Big envelope in the mail ... Yep, early admittance ... Day 1, August 26th. Clean slate.
Peter: Closing credits.
Peter: Closing credits!

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