- [Meg is in the middle of an elaborate domino arrangement in the living room with Gene, but is set off early when Peter bumps into the table setting up]
- Meg: Crap! Gene, they're coming! They're coming fast, Gene! Starting recording, Gene! GENE!!
- Peter: Sorry I put you in a dress, Stewie. We needed a damsel.
- Stewie: Hey, do I look upset?
- Lois: Are you brushing with a grill brush?
- Peter: I left my toothbrush at a hotel 3 years ago.
- Lois: Look, now don't worry it's just a week. And taking care of kids is not that hard
- Peter: The Facebook status of every girl I went to high school with would disagree.
- Agent: Why don't you guys come over tonight? We'll hang out on the patio.
- O'Malley: Yeah, ... okay. That sounds nice. Want me to bring anything?
- Agent: How 'bout the food and the drinks?
- O'Malley: ... That feels like everything but okay.
- Peter: [drives up to Adam West High School and hands Chris and Meg their lunch sacks] Get out.
- Meg: [looks in her lunch sack] There's a grenade in here.
- Peter: Use it to get a better lunch.
- Coffee Girl: Hey, we normally order at the counter but it looks like you've got your hands full today. What can I get you?
- Peter: Can you stuff a blueberry in a cup and pour coffee all over it?
- Coffee Girl: Where's this little guy's mom. Is she coming in too?
- Peter: No, she's not with us.
- Coffee Girl: Oh, my. She's dead? I'm so sorry.
- Peter: Oh, ... actually ...
- Coffee Girl: Is there anything else I can bring you? We make a great homemade banana cream pie. It's on the house.
- Peter: Uh, ... yeah. My wife is dead. I'll have that pie.
- Joe: How is Lois' foot? I'm not rooting for her to lose it but ...
- Stewie: This is the closest I've been to Mr. Quagmire. He's wearing makeup.
- Cleveland: You're a dad, alone. That's the closest thing people get to seeing a hero. It's right after wounded veteran or ugly person who sings well.
- Lois: Every door you walk through isn't a scenario you typed into the search bar of Pornhub. This is real life!
- Mom: No biting, Aiden!
- Peter: So, how long have you had a pet cloud?
- [Peter looks up to a cloud that can be seen through a skylight]
- Becky: That's ... a skylight.
- Peter: Does it bite?
- Becky: I'm glad we did this. Having to entertain a kid all day is exhausting. How long have you been doing it alone?
- Peter: Uh, feels like forever.
- Becky: Yeah, I know. Doesn't get any easier. I thought that after my late husband, Scott, I ...
- Peter: [yawns loudly] Huh?
- Peter: Oh no! Your pet cloud got out!
- [Peter sees a cloud out the window]
- Becky: That's a ... a window.
- Peter: So, ... So, it'll come back?
- Chris: Need help, mom?
- Lois: Can you get rid of this fly? There's a swatter in the top drawer of the dresser.
- [Chris looks in the top drawer]
- Chris: Okay, that drawer is full of sex toys.
- Lois: Oh. Well we must have moved the flyswatter, uh, try the middle drawer.
- [Chris looks in the second drawer]
- Chris: Is this a bit? Because that drawer is also filled to the brim with sex toys.
- Lois: Sorry. Look in the bottom drawer.
- [Chris looks in the final drawer]
- Chris: [crying] Wrong again!
- [Two moms watch Becky made out with Peter]
- Mom #1: I wonder what Scott would think of this.
- Mom #2: Ugh, give her a break. She was acquitted.
- Brian: What's going on? Who's this?
- Becky: You didn't tell me you had a dog!
- Peter: He's very close to being put down. I didn't want you to get attached.
- Lois: I heard the doorbell. Who was it?
- Peter: Delivery guy. We ordered dinner.
- Lois: Oh, where did you order from?
- Peter: That place you hate.
- Lois: Oh.
- Peter: Yeah.
- Delivery Man: [loudly] HI, I HAVE YOUR BONER AND BUTT PILLS FROM GLADIATOR.
- [Peter trips over the carpet]
- Peter: Murder the carpet!
- [Peter opens the door, annoyed and worried]
- Peter: [happily] HELLO!
- Peter: Hey! Hey, hey, what are you doing, Bonnie?
- Bonnie: I told Lois I would bring her a loaf of my sourdough bread!
- Peter: She doesn't want it.
- Bonnie: What!? I just talked to her.
- Peter: She's dead. Lois died. Go away!
- Bonnie: Oh my God! ... What are you doing with her washing machine?
- Peter: It's not for sale! You'd need a furniture dolly to get it out the basement, anyway.
- Bonnie: We have one. I'll give you $100.
- Peter: Yeah, uh, ... uh, ... alright, okay. Maybe, maybe. Will it fit through the bulkhead door?
- [Loud footsteps are heard coming from upstairs]
- Meg: Ugh, probably a prowler. It's cool. I know him. He'll just go right into my bed.
- Peter: It's alright, Peter. Just open the calm app.
- [Peter opens his calm app]
- Peter: Your credit card has been declined.
- [Peter throws his phone away in anger]
- Peter: [pretending to be happy] WHEEEEEE!
- Lois: I'm sorry, who the Hell are you and why are you holding my baby?
- Stewie: See? Total bitch, right?
- Peter: If I've learned anything this week, it's that all mothers are heroes and the biggest hero I know is the one I'm lucky enough to call my wife.
- Lois: Oh, Peter. That almost cancels out everything you've done.
- Lois: Look, Becky. I don't blame you for what happened.
- Chris: Nobody does.
- Lois: But you're a beautiful woman. You can do better than a 44-year-old morbidly obese guy.
- Becky: You know what? You're right. Ever since I lost my late husband, Scott, I ...
- Griffins: [yawns loudly] Huh?
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Single White Dad's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 20 | Family Guy Season 21 | Season 22 >> | ||||||
| #01 | Oscars Guy | #08 | Get Stewie | #15 | Adoptation | |||
| #02 | Bend or Blockbuster | #09 | Carny Knowledge | #16 | The Bird Reich | |||
| #03 | A Wife-Changing Experience | #10 | The Candidate | #17 | A Bottle Episode | |||
| #04 | The Munchurian Candidate | #11 | Love Story Guy | #18 | Vat Man and Rob 'Em | |||
| #05 | Unzipped Code | #12 | Old West | #19 | From Russia With Love | |||
| #06 | Happy Holo-ween | #13 | Single White Dad | #20 | Adult Education | |||
| #07 | The Stewaway | #14 | White Meg Can't Jump | |||||