[looking for a bathroom]
Peter: Cleveland's old house. Perfect!
[runs whimpering inside]
Peter: Damn, no toilet paper.
[runs whimpering back outside to Joe's house]
Peter: Hey, Joe, can I borrow this?
Joe: Sure.
[runs back inside Cleveland's house with an American flag]
Lois: Peter, where have you been?
Peter: Oh, let's just say I've been at Cleveland's empty house taking a dump.
Lois: Ugh! That's disgusting!
Peter: I will be taking all of my movements there from now on. All of 'em. Brrreeee-ha-ha.

Lois: Peter, your breakfast is ready.
Peter: Hang on. I'll be right back, Lois. I'm just going across the street.
Lois: Peter, you can't keep using Cleveland's bathroom.
Peter: Oh, my God! Yes I can! Cleveland's bathroom is the greatest discovery since fat women discovered Diet Coke.
[cutaway to a fat woman working in an office]
Fat woman: [after drinking a Diet Coke] Now I can eat anything!

Peter: Listen, I gotta tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times.
Chevy Chase: You saw Cops and Robbersons?
Dan Aykroyd: And My Stepmother Is An Alien?
Peter: Almost all of them.

[Lois and Peter are arguing over who gets to use the bathroom first]
Clerk: Have you made a reservation Peter?
Peter: Uh yeah! I did it before her!
Clerk: Who did you talk to?
Peter: Uhhh...Dave...Al-Jeff...illium...Tonio?
Clerk: Dave Aljeffilliumtonio hasn't worked here for 4 years!

Peter: Boy, I sure would love it if you guys would come to our house for dinner tonight. My wife's cooking sucks, but I just want to look at ya. You like meatloaf?
Dan: Uh, yeah, sure.
Peter: All right, see you at 8:00. Oh, man I can't believe I gonna have dinner with two of the three amigos. This is gonna be way better than when we had that Victorian girl ghost over for dinner.
[cutaway to the Griffins having dinner with a Victorian girl ghost rotating a music box]
Victorian Girl Ghost: [sobbing] My governess drowned me in a well.
Peter: You are a horrible dinner guest.

Peter: Can you believe it? We're eating with two of the three ghostbusters.
Chevy: Actually, I wasn't in that.
Peter: Look at these guys, they can't take a compliment.

Peter: You know, I'm really good at sight gags. [knocks over his drink on the table] Oh, I didn't mean to do that. Now it's everywhere. That's! comedy.
Stewie: [laughs]
Lois: Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? That's not funny.
Peter: Oh, well, interesting opinion, Lois. Gee, I wonder if there's anyone else at this table who's maybe more qualified to say what's funny than you are?
Chevy: Well, we'd need to see a little bit more, but, uh...[looks at his wrist then chuckles] Is that the time? I can't believe that's the time. It's late.
Peter: I don't understand. You're not wearing a watch.
Chevy: You see, that's sort of a joke, Peter.
Peter: Oh. Well, that's not that funny.
Chevy: It's kind of funny, you know.
Peter: No, it's not funny. See, if you had said something like, "Oh, it's half past a freckle".
Stewie: [laughs] Oh, you know, I'm thinking of the three of you. I'm...I'm thinking this guy...
Peter: Let me show you something that's funny. Okay, here's an impression of John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving. [using his normal voice] I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims! Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims!
Stewie: [laughs] Where has this guy been
Dan: Well, Mr. Griffin, this has been a lot of fun.
Chevy: A lot of fun.
Dan: But we gotta get back over to our place.
Chevy: Mm-hmm.
Dan: And, uh, kinda do, uh...what do we have to do?
Chevy: Roll some joints and get high.
Dan: Yeah, we gotta do those things.
Peter: That's not funny. Drug's aren't funny. They ruin lives.
Stewie: Amen.
Dan: No, Peter, [pointing his finger at Peter] you're not funny.
Chevy: I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all.
Peter: I don't get it.
Chevy: You're painfully unfunny.
[short pause]
Peter: [stands up from his seat] Get the fuck out of my house!

Stewie: Look, Brian, I've colored Sebastian the crab blue. If that isn't a middle finger to society, I don't know what it. [looks back at his picture] Ew, I don't like it any more. I wish I had colored him red.

Elephant: [opens Stewie's room door] Hey. Hi, there. Uh, can you guys tell Meg I'm seeing someone?

[entering D.U.M.P.]
Brian: What the...? What the hell is this place?
Dan: Welcome to D.U.M.P., Deep Undgerground Military Protection Facility.
Stewie: Wouldn't that be D.U.M.P.F.?
Chevy: The "F" is silent, like in "knife".
Dan: We're actually working for the federal government and we need your help. Do you want to be spies like us?
Stewie: [referring the Black and White Spies] Can we be spies like them?
White Spy: We actually resolved our differences.

Dan: Now you two...individuals live here. Are there any local residents whom you've seen acting strangely?
Stewie: Well, there's a pedophile up the street that nobody seems to be doing anything about, but it's mainly because he's so funny. Say, is Ron Howard's weird looking brother one of these lab technicians?
Dan: Of course he is, it's an 80's movie!
Clint Howard: Hey, there's something on the screen!

Peter: I just wish there was some way I could show them how wrong they are. Show 'em that we know comedy better than they do.
Quagmire: Hey, I got an idea. What's the most consistently funny form of comedy in existence?
Joe: Improv?
Quagmire: Improv!
Peter: Improv.
Joe: Improv.
Quagmire: Improv.
James Lipton: Improv!
Peter: We'll start our own improv group and put on a show.
Quagmire: All right!

[in Mayor West's office]
Dan: Thank you for seeing us on short notice, Mayor West.
Mayor West: No problem, gentlemen. May I call you gentlemen.
Stewie: Yeah.

[after being beaten by Mayor West]
Stewie: [groans] I haven't been this...[moaning]...since I...[moaning)
[cutaway to Stewie standing in a white empty room]
Stewie: I...I don't...I don't really know what's I supposed to be doing. Uh, but...
(Wilma Rudolph runs by)
Stewie: Oh, there's track star Wilma Rudolph. Obviously she had something to do with the gag, but I didn't hear the setup, so I don't really know the context. Hey, I wonder what Peter's up to?

Peter: Okay, so we gotta come up with a name for our improv group. Anybody got anything?
Quagmire & Joe: Um...
Joe: How about "The Joke Ridge Boys"?
Peter: Eh. Not bad. Wait, how about "Funny Side Up"?
Quagmire: No, no, no, guys, guys, we've got the name. It's "Impravda: The Truth is Ad-libbed".
Joe: What about "Deliveries in Rear"?
Peter: Oh, yes!
Quagmire: No, no, you can't just jam jokes in there for no reason. It has to be organic to the situation.
Peter: What the hell you being so friggin' comedy Hitler about?
Quagmire: I was in three improv groups in college, Peter. I was in "Improvidence", I was in "Wackadamia Nuts" and I know I'm dating myself here, but "Three Smile Island". My point being that I am the only experience member of this group.
Joe: I can already tell this is not going to be fun.

Stewie: Wow, those are the Russian people?
[The city is full of bears on unicycles]
Stewie: I mean, granted, you do think of bears on unicycles when you think of the Russian people, but they're all bears on unicycles?
Dan: Bears on unicycles, every one.
Chevy: So what do we do now?
Dan: We're undercover U.S. agents in a hostile foreign territory. We've just gotta make sure we don't do anything that makes us stick out.
Russian Guard #1: Hey! They're not bears on unicycles!
Russian Guard #2: You are under arrest.
Stewie: Oops. Time to lose this costume.
[Stewie unstacks himself four times like a Matryoshka doll and becomes smaller]
Stewie: [high-pitch voice] 'Cause we're in Russia!

[after Vladimir Putin made it look like he was going to kill them]
Stewie: Oh, he was "Putin" us on, huh? [laughs] Right? [laughs] What do you think of that? Chevy, right? That would have passed for funny in one of your movies, right? Okay, movin' on.

Vladimir Putin: Would you like to see Russian cutaway gag?
Stewie: Yeah, sure.
Vladimir Putin: Here's Russian cutaway gag.
Russian porcupine: Какой дурак придумал бутерброд с дикобраз, царь стиль? Они хулиганы! Они бездельники! [Who's the idiot who came up with a sandwich with porcupines? They're hooligans! They're bored dumb-asses! Bread gets thrown in front of him]
Russian porcupine: Ha ha ha.

Dan: If these signatures are correct, Mayor West is located one-third of a kilometer that way. [pointing] Just over that rise.
Stewie: Yeah, that's what you told us a third of a kilometer ago, you douche.
Dan: Perhaps you'd like to do something beside criticizing me and quoting my movies.
Stewie: You just watch your mouth, mister.

Mayor West: I wish there was some way I could have prevented this.
Brian: It wasn't your fault, Mayor West. There's nothing you could've done.
Mayor West: To be honest, I don't remember a thing. Except how much I love the Michael Jackson "Thriller" video. Boy, could that guy dance!
Dan: "Guy dance"? Guidance. Source programmable guidance. We can reprogram and disarm the missile from here!
Chevy: From here?! Well, our arms would have to be 40 feet long, Dan.
Dan: No, yutz, not from right here. [pointing to the missile launcher] We go over there and do it.
Chevy: Oh, right.
Stewie: Oh, come on, Chevy. You should've known what he was talking about.
Dan: [on the controls of the launcher] All I have to do is bypass the primary navigational guidance circuits, deprogram the hardwired safety overrides and reconfigure the motherboard so that the missile's primary central processing unit tells itself to eject its own warhead while still safely above the Earth's atmosphere.
Stewie: Hey, Dan, when this is all over, you may get a call asking you to evaluate my performance. Can I count on you to give me a ten?
Dan: [pushes a button] And that should do it.

[after the missile exploded in the Earth's atmosphere]
Dan: Mission accomplish, gentlemen. Warhead has been destroyed, we've save millions of lives. Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall where it can cause too much damage.
[as the fuselage falls on Cleveland's new house]
Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, NO!!!! [crash!]
Tim the Bear: [walks by] I...I don't get it.

Stewie: So what's the deal with Chris? Is he actually, like, still in Africa?
Brian: No, no, he's not.
Stewie: Oh, so that was all, that was just a bit?
Brian: Yeah, he'll be back next week.
Stewie: Great. Boy, who would've thought all this trouble could be caused by simply uttering the phrase: "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."
[Meg's eyes widen, and she leaves the living room. She goes to the phone in the kitchen and dials a number]
Meg: [In Ukrainian/Russian] Agent 2476 is aware and is awaiting for instructions from our side. Please wait for us to call you.
Man on phone: [Russian Accent] Shut up, 2476!

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