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Kevin: More appetizer?
Meg: No thanks, cauliflower gives me the scoots.
Screenshot 2018-11-12 at 10.58.40 AM

Principal Shepherd: Parents of a failing student, say what?
Peter: What?
Lois: No, Peter wait!
Principal Shepherd: Nope. Too late. He said it. I'm marking it.
[Principal Shepherd goes to a chalkboard, where he gives himself a tally mark]
Principal Shepherd: Didn't get The Wus. They're very smart. Asian. Maybe they didn't understand me. I don't know.

Chris: [rapping] Alexander Hamilton was white!

Lois: Why Meg, don't you look pretty today?
Meg: Thanks mom.
Stewie: She's gonna ask you for something.

Judgy Sitcom Mom #1: Oh hi, Lois. Gosh, I just love how you always look so comfortable.
Judgy Sitcom Mom #2: I know. Are those pajamas?
Judgy Sitcom Mom #3: And I'm the black one, for unrealistic diversity.

Chris: I can't believe I have to go vocational school. Does this mean that I'm a failure?
Lois: No, sweetie. It means that we're failures.

Teacher: Alright, settle down, ya yuks. We got a new student, Chris Griffin. So, everybody give him an Ayyy!
Students: Ayyy!
Teacher: Look at that. Your first day and you got all Ayyys!

[Husband uses the bathroom and goes back to bed, without washing his hands]
Wife: [yawns] Did you wash your hands?
Husband: Yeah.

[Meg is sitting on the couch and Peter walks in]
Peter: Alright, time for Bethany Frankel. America's favorite chattering pirate skeleton.
[Peter sits down on Meg]
Meg: Dad! Dad get off me! Get off me dad!

Lois: Peter, leave the baby alone. Why don't you pick on someone your own size, like William Howard Taft.

Lois: And Meg, why are you on the couch? You know you're not supposed to be on the furniture.

Italian Kid: Guys! Just called Pete's! They're closed forever!
Other Italians: [shocked] What!?
Chris: Who answered the phone?

Stewie: Ello, ello, ello. What's all this, then?

Italian Kid: Mr. and Mrs. G, thanks so much for havin' us over for dinner.
Lois: Oh, it's our pleasure. Chris has said so many nice things about you.
Rocko: Ay, maybe one or two of them are true.

Neil: I just looked at some porn and I need you guys to give me some assisted relief. I can't do it myself. It's the sabbath.
Brian: Okay, this ... this is ... starting to sound a little weird.
Neil: It's not weird. It's Jewish.
[Stewie and Brian look at each other, disgusted. Afterwards, they leave Neil's house]
Brian: I can't believe we did all that, and he still turned us down.
Stewie: I know and al ... also, Brian. It's Thursday.

[Stewie and Brian sit at a table, and Kevin walks up]
Kevin: Hey, guys? Can you hold my phone and point it over this way? I wanna live stream my suicide.
Brian: Yeah, sure Kevin.
[Kevin gets naked, sits down in the middle of the road, and douses himself in gasoline, preparing kill himself in the background, while Brian talks]
Brian: You know what it is, Stewie? It's a selfishness. It's an inability too look out and see someone, who needs someone. It's ... it's just ... it's a lack of empathy.
Kevin: Can you make sure I'm totally in the frame?
Brian: [to Kevin] Yeah, I'm not a pro. You get what you get. [to Stewie] Anyway, what is wrong with people, that they're so myopic, and j ... preoccupied with their own little lives?
Kevin: Is it on?
Brian: [to Kevin] It's whatever it was, when you handed it to me. [to Stewie] The point is, there's someone out there for everyone, if they're just willing to open their eyes and look.

[Meg does a one-woman performance of Hair, completely naked]
Meg: [singing] Let the sun shine. Let the sunshine in. Let the sun shine in.
Peter: Should have called it, "Too Much Hair".

[Principal Shepherd sees Peter's crotch]
Principal Shepherd: Oh my God! That is not what a testicle is supposed to look like! Has a doctor seen this?

Woman: Twenty four of us selected the salmon, sixteen the filet, and six vegetarian.
Vegan: [offscreen] One vegan.
Woman: [annoyed] Five vegetarian. One vegan.

Peter: Chris, we're worried about you and your new friends.
Chris: Pa, don't worry about it.
Peter: Don't worry about it ... okay.

Chris: A guy letting me back into school says what?
Principal Shepherd: What? Dammit!
Chris Okay, see you on Monday.

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