- Brian: Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop!
- Stewie: I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym!
- Brian: It has nothing to do with the gym, you're on drugs!
- Stewie: It doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the rian. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns.
- Brian: That doesn't make any sense.
- Stewie: It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this!
- Stewie: What's goin' on, B-minus?
- Peter: My baby boy got beat up by a girl!
- Stewie: What was weird was that she was crying, but the way she was standing over me made it look like I was crying, which was weird.
- Lois: Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this?
- Peter: World War V.
- Lois: Peter we've been over this...there has to be a World War III and IV first.
- Peter: Oh no-oh no that's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two.
- Lois: Peter it doesn't wor...
- Peter: [Interrupting] I HAVE SPOKEEEN!!
- Stewie: Uh-oh! Spa-doodie-ohs!
- Peter: Now let's sit here and watch Spike TV.
- Spike TV Narrator: Spike TV! Full of stuff men like!
- [Braking car]
- [Punching sounds]
- [Flushing toilet]
- [Fart sound]
- [Gunshot]
- Woman: Ahhhh!
- Spike TV Narrator: Yeah, that stuff!
- Meg: [shows Connie her scars] You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "Sticky ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina Freshman year! You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!
- Chris: [off screen] Hey, Meg! THINK FAST! [A javelin gets thrown into Meg's shoulder] HAHA! Loser!!
- [While the students enjoy the party, Meg is upstairs in her bed, crying, while Lois tries to comfort her]
- Lois: Aw, Meg, sweetie, why don't you go downstairs and join the Party?
- Meg: I wasn't invited! I hate Chris, he's such a jerk!
- Lois: Look, he's just confused with who he is right now. I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister.
- Meg: I HATE MY SCHOOL!! I HATE EVERYONE!!! I HATE MY LIFE!!!
- Lois: [Sighs] Okay, look Meg, I've been at this for 45 minutes, I don't know what else I can say. Here's a Sylvia Plath novel and a bottle of Ambien, I'm gonna look the other way and Whatever happens, happens.
- Connie: Hey, Meg. Nice posture. Get lost!
- Meg: Thank you.
- Connie: Now, who are the biggest losers in this school?
- Gina: Well, there's Smiley McGee...
- Smiley McGee: Hellooooooooo.
- Connie: Naw. I hear he's a bedwetter.
- [Chris and Connie are holding hands and walk down the school hallways, running into the jocks]
- Jock #1: Hey Griffiiin!
- Jock #2: Griffaaaahh!
- Jock #3: Griffamunnooooh!
- Jock #4: [Complete gibberish]
- Chris: Wow! The jocks haven't ever said hello to me before!
- Jock #1: Hey Chris, c'mon lets corner the nerds and call them gay and make them show us their penises!
- Jock #2: [Laughs] Won't that be gay of them?
- [Later]
- Jock #3: Chris, I can't believe you dissed Connie at your party! That was awesome!
- Jock #1: Yeah, I heard about it when I was making that gay, nerd spoon with me.
- [Later again]
- Jock #4: Chris Griffin's a freak!
- Jock #2: What a loser!
- Jock #1: [Standing up] I'm gay, alright?!
- Chris: [In regards to what it was like to be cool] It was like basking in the warm glow of a higher intelligence, as it envelops you and allows you to become part of its everlasting glory.
- [Long pause as the family reflects]
- Stewie: I flew today.
- Lisa: Oh my God, he smells like Fred Flintstone's ass!
- Fred Flintstone: Hey! ...No one's askin' you to smell it.
- Stewie: I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl.
- [cutaway]
- Man: So, what are you wearing?
- Blind girl: I don't know.
- Peter: And I will see the Keaton Family next week.
- Lois: And you listened to him?
- Peter: Yes, I believe anything anyone says anywhere.
- Stewie: I got veins. They carry blood all over my baddy. That's how John Mayer would say it. Baddy. I'm really into him right now. You'd better be okay with it!
- Chris: Wow, my favorite! PB&J with the crust cut off. What did you get?
- Meg: Your crusts.
- Chris: That's it?
- Meg: No, I also got an orange peel and a picture of Mom eating a turkey leg.
- Connie: Hey, forget the pep rally. You wanna go see a movie?
- Chris: Cool! Maybe we can go see that new movie Distracting Trumpet.
- [cutaway]
- Businessman: I want to thank you all for coming out here today. [a man behinds playing the trumpet next to the table where the meeting is taking place We got a serious situation down in the Bronx. Our friend needs to get a message to the short man in the hat. [the trumpet playing is getting louder] He needs to deliver this message before the construction site contracts are handed down. [the trumpet man is now playing very loud and drowning out the businessman] It's of vital importance that these matters be attended to! So we may have to bring in a friend from Yonkers!
- Businessman 2: What?
- Businessman: I SAID WE MAY HAVE TO BRING IN A FRIEND FROM YONKERS!!
- Connie: Gina, have you seen Chris?
- Gina: Yeah. He's over there.
- Connie: Chris! What are you doing?
- Chris: Getting scraped to death by my zipper.
- Connie: You bastard! How the hell can you be cheating on me? I'm the one who made you popular!
- Chris: No, Connie. Beating up that Jewish kid made me popular. Come on, girls! Let's go upstairs and make out!
- Peter: Oh, no! Connie's been hurt! I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. [lies on top of Connie and looks to the audience] What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Stew-Roids's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 6 | Family Guy Season 7 | Season 8 >> | ||||||
| #01 | Love, Blactually | #07 | Ocean's Three and a Half | #13 | Stew-Roids | |||
| #02 | I Dream of Jesus | #08 | Family Gay | #14 | We Love You, Conrad | |||
| #03 | Road to Germany | #09 | The Juice Is Loose | #15 | Three Kings | |||
| #04 | Baby Not On Board | #10 | FOX-y Lady | #16 | Peter's Progress | |||
| #05 | The Man with Two Brians | #11 | Not All Dogs Go To Heaven | |||||
| #06 | Tales of a Third Grade Nothing | #12 | 420 | |||||