[For the complete script, see: "Tales of a Third Grade Nothing" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Angela: Griffin, I need you to run these shipping reports upstairs to the CEO. [leaves]
Peter: Huh. There's nothing fun or entertaining about that. Maybe if I walk down the hall with a wisecracking rabbi.
[cuts to Peter and a wisecracking rabbi]
Peter: Do you charge a lot for your circumcisions.
Wisecracking Rabbi: No, I just keep the tips.
Peter: [laughs] All right, where's the CEO's office.

Peter: I am going to go places this time! I'm not gonna give up on my dreams like I did with that indoor hot-air balloon.
[Cutaway to Peter blowing up a big balloon inside his house, it floats away]
Peter: And away we go.
[the house crashes into Cleveland's house]
Cleveland: No no no no no NO!!! [crash!] I can't feel my legs!
Joe: [off-screen] Welcome to the party, pal!
Cleveland: No, wait, there they are.
Joe: [off-screen] Aw.

[after Brian and Frank Sinatra Jr. performance and two people only clapped]
Brian: Boy, it sure is great to have you back in town, Frank.
Frank Sinatra Jr.: Yeah, but this place is dead.
Brian: I don't know. That one guy seemed to like it.
Bruce: I like everything, [to the bartender] including ginger ale! Psst. That's my way of ordering a ginger ale.

[Brian and Frank Sinatra Jr. are at the Cabana Club when the owner suggests they purchase the club because of bad business]
Brian Griffin: Yeah, we could really turn this place around. Play our cards right it could be bigger than the Apollo Theater.
[Cut to the Apollo Theater where an announcer is speaking in front of an audience]
Announcer: Alright now! Next up we got the comedy stylings of Kim Lee Sung! Give it up!
[The audience applauds as an Asian man walks on stage]
Kim Lee Sung: How you doin' tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store, and one go one way and one go the other way? What they doing? What they stealing? Who with me?
[The audience, all of whom are black, begin to boo him]
Kim Lee Sung: You stay out my store! All you stay out my store I remember you face!

Angela: Peter, I want you to retype those...[notices that Peter's work station is clean] Wow. What is this? Have you been cleaning?
Peter: Yep, I working extra hard so you'll promote me.
Angela: Well, based on your track record, you'll understand if I have trouble believing you.
Peter: Believe it, Angela. I hate just being a cog around here. Almost as much as I hate homeless people asking me for money.
[cuts to Peter walking in the street and encounters a homeless man]
Homeless man: Spare some change.
Peter: Sure. [he open his hand and drops nothing]
Homeless man: You didn't put anything in there.
Peter: Yes, I did. I put hope in there. Hope. Don't spend it all in one place, raggy.

[Angela walks in and finds Peter with a robot sitting at a desk]
Angela: Griffin! What the hell is this?
Peter: It's a robot that I built to save this company money. Now before you say anything; 1: It has no human emotions. And 2: It's prime directive is never to harm people.
[Robot gets up and begins choking Peter]
Peter: Oh, oh God! It's harming people!
Peter: Oh, God! It's got human emotions, too!
[Robot slams Peter against the wall, then picks up a stapler and beats him with it]
Peter: Ahh! It's using tools! It's learning, Angela, it's learning! Run!!

[Peter walks into Angela's office, holding a detonator]
Angela: What do you want, Griffin?
Peter: Angela, look out your window. [She swivels her chair around to face the window] You see that Anheuser-Busch billboard next to the Children's Hospital? Well, watch this!
[Peter presses the button on the detonator, and it cuts away to the view of the billboard and the Children's Hospital, where we see the hospital's top two floors explode]
Peter: Oh God! [The camera stays on the burning hospital] Oh my God, this is horrible! Oh God! [The third floor explodes] Oh, that's terrible! Oh, Good Lord, save them! Bless their li... [The flames from the hospital engulf the billboard] Oh! Okay, okay. Yeah! There we go! Alright, everything worked out.

Angela: Griffin, I got good news. A management-level position has become available, and I've seen that you've been working very hard lately. I'm recommending you for a promotion.
Peter: [gasps] Will I get to use the executive bathroom?
Angela: Of course.
Peter: Holy crap! You know, last week I ate a fortune cookie that said "Obvious lesbian will bring great news!" It also said a grand piano would fall on me. [looks up to see if a grand piano will fall on him] Well, good day to you. And I will, um...uh, yeah, I mean, we're...we're done. [gets up] Just, uh...squeeze by you here.

Lois: Bye, you guys. Have fun at school.
Peter: [sarcastically] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lois: Oh, Peter, stop pouting. All you got to do is finish third grade and you'll get that promotion.
Peter: [groans] This is gonna be a bigger pain in the ass than getting into a "last clap" contest with Cleveland.
[cuts to the Griffins at a auditorium]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the Quahog Men's Chorus.
[everyone applause, Peter was the last one to clap]
[Cleveland claps]
[Peter claps again]
[Cleveland claps again]
[Peter claps again]
[Cleveland claps again]
Peter: [to Cleveland] Hey, hey, hey. Clap one more time, you're not coming to my birthday!
[another clap]
Peter: Who did that?!
Quagmire: [off-screen] Giggity.

Mrs. Wilson: Good morning, class. Starting today, we have a new student. Peter, would you like to introduce yourself?
Peter: Hi. My name's Peter Griffin. Um, I was actually in third grade a long time ago, but I never finished. Back then, we had a teacher named Mrs. Wilson. Except, except we had this funny little nickname for her. We called her Mrs. "Killson" 'cause she had an abortion. I know, I know, it's kinda silly, but we were, you know, we were just a bunch of kids. I'm sorry, go ahead, Mrs...uh...
Mrs. Wilson: Wilson. Thank you, Peter.

Omar: What are you doing in our class? You're old. Are you stupid or something?
Peter: Oh, picking on the new kid, huh? Well, at least my parents didn't name me...Gaymar!
[all the students laughs]
Student #1: Wow, I never knew you could make fun of someone for being homosexual.
Student #2: And by laughing at other people's sexuality, somehow I feel better about my own.

Frank Sinatra Jr.: Hey, Brian, where are all the people?
Brian: They'll be here, Frank. We just gotta give'em time. [looks to see any customer] And wouldn't you know it, there's our first customer. I'll entertain him while we wait for more to arrive. [walking on stage] So, thanks for coming. How you doing tonight?
Emperor Palpatine: Good.
Brian: Glad to hear it. Any requests?
Emperor Palpatine: Play "On the Dark Side" by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band.

Mrs. Wilson: All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell?
Susie: [holds up her doll] This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook, and two different dresses.
Peter: Oh, my God, who...the hell...cares?!

[Quagmire walks into Peter's classroom]
Mrs. Wilson: Can I help you sir?
Quagmire: Hi there. My name's Glenn Griffin. Uh... I'm here to pick up my son Peter for a ball ga... uh, doctor's appointment.
Mrs. Wilson: Peter is, your son?
Quagmire: That is affirmative.
Mrs. Wilson: Uh...Because you look a lot more like that child over there.
[She points to a child who bears a striking resemblance to Quagmire]
Student: Daddy?
Quagmire: Oh God!
[Runs out of the room and into the Special Ed room]
Special Ed Student: Daaah-dy?
Quagmire: Oh God!!
[Runs out of the room and into a Spanish classroom]
Spanish Student: Papa?
Quagmire: Oh God!!!
[Runs out of the room and into the Teacher's Lounge]
Quagmire: Hey, there are no kids in here, right?
Teacher: No, just me.
Quagmire: Oh thank God. [Looks at her] You wanna have unprotected sex?
Teacher: Hmm...

Peter: Hey, Omar, want a hurts doughnut?
Omar: Um, okay.
Peter: [Punches him in the face] Hurts, don't it? [Laughs] Dumbass.
Student #1: Wow! He effectively silenced Omar by hitting him in the face!
Student #2: My dad hits me! But I bet if I hit others, the pain stops!
Student #1: Someday, I'll use what I've learned here on my wife!

[after Peter wins the spelling bee, Lois, Chris and Meg hug him]
Peter: I did it, Lois! My god, I did it!
Lois: You sure did, Peter. I'm so proud of you.
Chris: Way to go, Dad.
Meg: Yeah, you're a smart fella, dad.
Peter: And you're a fart smeller, Meg.
[Peter grabs Meg's head, put her face on his butt and farts in her face]
Meg: Aah!
Peter: [laughs] Let's go home.

Peter: Angela, I did it. I finished the third grade. I'm ready for my promotion.
Angela: Griffin, you blew up a children's hospital. You're going to jail.
Peter: What?
Angela: What? You think everyone just forgot about that? There was an investigation, fingerprints, forensic reports. 19 children died, Peter, and the FBI knows it was you.

[The Judge is telling Peter his sentence, at court]
Judge: Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty, and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.

Brian: Just wait, in a few weeks that club will be the hottest spot in Quahog.
Stewie: Huh, you're deluding yourself. You're gonna fail faster than John Madden's wedding video business.
[Scene goes to John Madden's wedding video of Mike and Stacy's wedding]
John Madden: Boom, here's your groom over here. Boom, you got your bride right here. A lot of people says Stacy's no good and she slept with this guy and then that guy, and even this guy. I'll tell you something, that experience's gonna work in her favor later in the game. You know, who had a heck of a wedding? Brett Favre.

[After a piano falls down on Peter]
Peter: Next time you got a fortune cookie, don't open it.

Peter: Late 70's Bruce Jenner, take me home.
Bruce Jenner: Hop on, Peter.

Stewie: God, you're more out of place than Prince was on The Price Is Right.
[Prince on "The Price is Right"]
Bob Barker: And what's your bid on the dining room set, Prince?
Prince: [in a soft tone] $350
Bob Barker: I'm sorry?
Prince: [in a soft tone] 3...
Bob Barker: Can you speak up, please.
Prince: [in a soft tone] $350
Bob Barker: All right, and the actual retail price of the dining room set is $350.
Prince: [in a soft tone] Yay!

Stewie: Looks like my doormate let another gazelle in there. [goes over to the gazelle] I'm sorry, but we've been over this before. We don't serve your kind here.
Gazelle: You're gonna hear from my lawyer.
Stewie: Yeah, you know, I would welcome that. I would welcome the opportunity to hear from a lawyer that represents a gazelle. What's his name?
Gazelle: Yeah, I don't have a lawyer.

[When the whole club empties out once Andy Dick shows up]
Brian: What the hell just happened?
Stewie: Andy Dick happened. As soon as that guy shows up anyplace, it gets a worse rap than John Wilkes Booth.

Tom Tucker: Our next spelling bee contestant is Omar mahajareefa.. something..septembereleventhy.

Tom Tucker: We're now down to our final two competitors: Peter Griffin and Omar Northtower.

Tom Tucker: [to Omar after he misses a spelling word] Oh, I'm sorry, Omar. [under his breath] Bet you could spell "boxcutter."
Omar: I'm 9 years old and I'm Indian.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Tales of a Third Grade Nothing's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.