- Barbara: Lois, these sweet potatoes look so good.
- Lois: Mom, that's the stuffing. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy.
- Peter: [clearly having had one too many] Dads gettin' drunk on Thanksgiving is a holiday tradition.
- Bonnie: Kevin, I want you to meet your little sister, Susie.
- Kevin: Wow! Hey, little sis, I guess we got some catching up to do, huh? Hope you don't get scared when I scream and have night terrors.
- Patrick Stewart's Voice: [as the voice in Susie's head] It's quite alright, I've seen worse.
- [cutaway to Susie watching TV; woman screams and squashes are heard]
- Patrick Stewart's Voice: A human centipede? How ghastly!
- Joe: Okay, let's pick teams; I'll be a captain and, uh... Mayor West you could be a captain.
- West: All right, I pick you.
- Joe: You can't pick me, I'm a captain.
- [cut to living room. West is surrounded with seven kids]
- West: No-one ever stood up for me like that before; I respected him thereon out.
- Child 1: That's a great story, Grampa.
- Child 2: I didn't like it.
- [many years later; West is surrounded with twelve kids]
- West: None of my grand children have ever disliked one of my stories before; from then on, he was my favorite.
- Child 3: Well, I don't like that story, great-Grampa. [West stands up; electrocutes the boy and disintegrates into dust]
- West: [breaks fourth wall] Future old people are wizards.
- Peter: (to Kevin) Well, it sounds to me you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond.
- [cut to a control room]
- Director: What's–what's he expecting us to cut to?
- Screenplayer: Duh–I think he wants, maybe..I dunno, Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat?
- Director: Well, we don't have that! We–we gotta come up with something!
- Screenplayer: [browsing video bookcase] Duh–well, we got-uh, we got..the Cowardly Lion as Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist.
- Director: Play it. Play it!
- Screenplayer: But he didn't set it out with it.
- Director: PLAY IT!
- [begins cutaway anyway]
- Cowardly Lion: All right, I'monna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do.
- Tin Man/Scarecrow: What's that?
- Cowardly Lion: Take me out of it. [runs off]
- Tin Man/Scarecrow: [grabbing Lion] No! No, no, no, no!
- [back to reality]
- Peter: What the hell is goin' on up there..?!
- Brian: Hello Ida.
- Ida: Hello Brian.
- Brian: How are things?
- Ida: Good.
- Stewie: He threw up when he found out you were a monster.
- (after hearing Kevin's story about the death of his bunkmates)
- Joe: How could you do that?!
- Mayor Adam West: Coward!
- Carter: Traitor!
- Chris: If you think I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right!
- Meg: (walks up to Kevin) You don't have to sit here and listen to this! Come on, Kevin. Let's get outta here.
- Kevin: Nice try, skank.
- Meg: Worth a shot. (walks away from him)
- (when Kevin offers to read one of his poems)
- Brian: If I can guess a line in there, will you not read it?
- Kevin: I don't think you'll be able to guess a line.
- Brian: Is it something like, "Ice burns as hot as fire?"
- Peter: What the hell is going on up there?
- Kevin: Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do. But I walked away from an illegal war of aggression, being fought six thousand miles away from our shores.
- Carter: Better there than here, where all my stuff is.
- Peter: So, you just figured you'd let them get away with 9/11?
- Kevin: Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, and the war we started in Iraq has killed almost a half a million of their people, which is like 200 9/11's.
- Quagmire: So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events mean nothing to you.
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Thanksgiving's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes