- Joe: Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie he'd give me back the use of my legs?
- Peter: Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim.
- Lois: Peter, this chair costs $3000!
- Peter: That's not so much, Lois. It's only infinity times what you bring home every week.
- Joe: Sex is overrated.
- Peter: Stay outta this, Joe.
- Quagmire: Oh God I love sex!
- Carrie Underwood: Jesus, take the wheel.
- Jesus: What?
- Carrie Underwood: I wanna kill these fucking cops!
- Jesus: I want my first time to be with...Lois.
- Peter: Lois, my partner in the law firm?
- Jesus: No, Peter. It's your Lois. Lois Griffin.
- Peter: What? I am outraged! But probably not as outraged as the ten million Christians watching. Please write to this address. Quickly. Maybe we can both stop these Hollywood Jew writers from wreckin' my marriage and your religion.
- Peter: Ah crap, I just pulled 1000 muscles!
- Peter: Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.
- Jesus: Yeah, I guess. Who cares? I'm not even real, merry Christmas.
Previous Episode's Quotes /// The 2000-Year-Old Virgin's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 12 | Family Guy Season 13 | Season 14 >> | |||||||||
| #01 | The Simpsons Guy | #07 | Stewie, Chris & Brian's Excellent Adventure | #13 | Dr. C & The Women | ||||||
| #02 | The Book of Joe | #08 | Our Idiot Brian | #14 | #JOLO | ||||||
| #03 | Baking Bad | #09 | This Little Piggy | #15 | Once Bitten | ||||||
| #04 | Brian the Closer | #10 | Quagmire's Mom | #16 | Roasted Guy | ||||||
| #05 | Turkey Guys | #11 | Encyclopedia Griffin | #17 | Fighting Irish | ||||||
| #06 | The 2000-Year-Old Virgin | #12 | Stewie Is Enceinte | #18 | Take My Wife |
| |||||