[To start a complete script, see: "The Big Bang Theory" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Stewie: That's my name, don't wear it out.

[Stewie and Brian mess with the time machine and find themselves floating in a blank white space]
Brian: What happened? Where are we?
Stewie: I don't know. It's like...we're not anywhere.
Brian: Stewie, what the hell did your machine do?
Stewie: Just calm down, calm down, Brian. I've got the return pad. [engages the return pad] Alright, step on.
[nothing happens]
Brian: What happened?
Stewie Good Lord! This is impossible!
Brian: What?
Stewie: Well, the return pad works by first locking onto our coordinates along the curve of the space-time continuum. But it can't.
Brian: Why not?
Stewie: Well, the only explanation is: we've somehow transported outside the space-time continuum.
Brian: I don't...I don't understand.
Stewie: Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. [a promo logo for "The Cleveland Show" appears] But still, somehow, a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show.
Cleveland: Hey, y'all! It's The Cleveland Show!
Stewie: Huh, that's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

Stewie: Hey slut, get me out of this.

Brian: So that means you're Italian.
Stewie: Of course! My love for Spaghetti-o's and smoking on the toilet! It all makes sense!
Brian: Ew.

Stewie: Hey, Bertram. What's you're favorite kind of bottled water? Mine's "Arrowhead!"
[Stewie shoots an arrow in Bertram's head, killing him off]
Brian: Wow, that was...dramatic.

Brian: Stewie! Stewie! Are you ok?
Stewie: [in a falsetto voice] You gotta kiss him to wake him up.
Brian: I'm not going to kiss you!
Stewie: Stewie can't hear you. He's not awake. Only a kiss will wake him up!
Brian: Well, I better get Meg.
Stewie: Oh, oh, where am I?

Brian: Stewie, what the hell happened?
Stewie: Oh well, shortly after you left, da Vinci's girlfriend showed up. So I injected her with my DNA.
Brian: You had sex?
Stewie: No, I put my DNA inside of her.
Brian: Right, you had sex.
Stewie: No, what are you not getting? I put a sample of my DNA in a syringe and I injected her on the staircase, on the couch, and on the balcony.

Bertram: You're about to be yesterday's hopscotch chalk on the sidewalk, Stewie! Erased!

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