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|prev_ep = Don't Make Me Over
|prev_ep = Don't Make Me Over
|next_ep = Petarded
|next_ep = Petarded
|contents = :'''Quagmire''': Alright, I caught a fish.
|contents = ''[To start a complete script, see: "[ The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire]" at the Transcripts Wiki]''
:'''Quagmire''': Alright, I caught a fish.
:''[fish goes into Loretta's blouse]''
:''[fish goes into Loretta's blouse]''
:'''Quagmire''': Oh, Sorry about that, Loretta. Hey uh, can I have my fish back?
:'''Quagmire''': Oh, Sorry about that, Loretta. Hey uh, can I have my fish back?

Latest revision as of 15:00, May 21, 2020

[To start a complete script, see: "The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Quagmire: Alright, I caught a fish.
[fish goes into Loretta's blouse]
Quagmire: Oh, Sorry about that, Loretta. Hey uh, can I have my fish back?
Loretta: Awww, you're gonna have to reach in the cookie jar.
Quagmire: Oh, uh, I can't just... You're my best friend's wife, ...reach in there, alright!
Loretta: Yeah, you go in and get that. Show that fishy who's boss.
Cleveland: Loretta, they have some of that three-bean salad you're so fond of. Hey Quagmire.
Quagmire: Well. We'll uh, have to do this again sometime.
Loretta: You name the time and the place, little neck.

Peter: To the Hindenpeter! [runs from the kitchen and flies Hindenpeter and crashes on Joe's garden again]
Joe: Oh my God!
Peter: Joe, I am so sorry.
Joe: How can you afford these things?

Brian: So, they revoked your CPR card, huh?
Peter: Yeah. I tell this is worse than when they took my library card for reading while intoxicated.
[Peter reading while intoxicated]
Peter: Aw, don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain. You'll still have an exciting times. Aw crap.
Police Officer: Sir, you know how loud you were reading?
Peter: The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one, ahhh! [Peter crashes into a bookcase]
[Back to the present]
Peter: I gotta figure out some way to get that card back.
Brian: Well, you could always take the class again. I mean, I'm sure they'll give you another card.
[Loretta screaming]
Brian: Hey, do you hear that?
Peter: What?
Brian: Sounds like someone's screaming.
Peter: Well, what is it boy. What are you trying to say?
Brian: It sounds like Loretta is screaming.
Peter: Trouble at the old mill.
Brian: What, are you insane?
Peter: Did somebody fall through the ice?
Brian: It's summer.
Peter: Bobcat.
Brian: [barking]
Peter: Loretta's in trouble! Come on boy!
[Peter opens the door]
Peter: Peter Griffin, temporary suspended CPR...holy crap!
Brian: We should go.
Peter: Boy, that was embarrassing, huh? Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland having sex.
Brian: Uh, Peter, that wasn't uh...
Peter: You know, for a large heavyset black guy, Cleveland's got a cute little white ass.
Brian: That wasn't Cleveland. It was some white guy.
[Inside, Quagmire sits up]
Quagmire: What was that?
Loretta: Shut up and put some more of that sugar in my bowl.

Quagmire: [voiceover] Oh, God, I'm screwed! This is worse than the time I had to fess up to the nation.
[cut to Quagmire as Bill Clinton]
Quagmire: My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did gigoogity that girl. I geschmoigiddied her geflavaty with my googus, and I am sorry.

Cleveland: Loretta, is it true what they're saying? Were you really having carnal relations with another gentleman?
Loretta: I'm a woman, Cleveland! I need some passion in my life! I need a real man, and Lord knows that ain't you!
Cleveland: Well, I admit after a long day at work, I don't always come home with that "Reuniti on Ice, That's Nice" mentality. And for that, I apologize.
Loretta: Apologize?! I cheat on you, and you apologize to me?!! Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic!
Cleveland: I disagree, but I respect your condor.
Loretta: [pushing Cleveland out the door] Good-bye, Cleveland!
Cleveland: I love you.

Peter: Cleveland, I think this beautiful woman would like to say something to you.
Loretta: You told me this was Lois' intervention!
Peter: Nice. Cleveland?
Cleveland: Loretta, what you did was unforgivable. This marriage is over.
Loretta: Well, that's just fine, Cleveland, 'cause I am through being your wife.
Cleveland: Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you.
Peter: Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an HBO minority fairy tale.

Peter: All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will.
[He puts on a Quagmire mask]
Peter: Hey! Look at me! I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!
[Cleveland laughs]
Cleveland: Those are so his mannerisms. [laughs]
Brian: Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Peter: I'm not Peter. I'm Quagmire. And I'm doin' you, Loretta.
[he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]
Brian: What the hell?
[the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]
Cleveland: Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD!! ["Popeye" theme music begins to play as Cleveland eats a can of spinach Popeye style. Steam proceeds to blow out of Cleveland's ears. Cleveland begins to storm towards the door]
Peter: All right, all right, calm down, Cleveland.
Cleveland: I'm gonna kill Quagmire! [panting]
Peter: Oh God, you're hyperventilating! Chris, get me a bag. [Chris hands Peter a plastic bag]
Cleveland: [panting]
Peter: Okay, Cleveland, breathe into the bag. It'll calm you down. [Peter places the bag over Cleveland's head]
Lois: Peter, I'm not sure that that's... [Cleveland begins grasping for air]
Peter: Not now, Lois. Okay, Cl-Cl... Okay, Cl...Cleveland, Cleveland, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax. There you go. There you go. Okay, shh, shh-shh-shh-shh. It's okay, it's okay. It's all gonna be okay. [Cleveland lays on the ground, unconscious]
Lois: Peter, you better do your CPR.

Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick!

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