[Peter and Lois watch Meg do a one woman performance of "I Love Trash"]
Peter: Who's fault is this?
Lois: You're wearing a garbage bag as a cape, who do you think?

[Brian hits on a girl in the library]
Brian: So, who are you reading?
Girl: George Elliot.
Brian: Ah, Georgie. I'm a big fan. I think he ...
Girl: She.
Brian: She said it best, when she said. [looks at a page of the girl's book] Bantam Press, 1851.

[Peter goes to Dick's Sporting Goods]
Peter: Um, what's the name of this place?
Dick's Employee: Dick's.
Peter: [snickers] A ... And what's that say on your shirt?
Dick's Employee: Dick's.
Peter: [snickers] Can I have two balls ... and a helmet?
Dick's Employee: Hey, you're the guy from the phone!
[Peter runs away, laughing]
Peter: [offscreen] Start the car, Chris!
Chris: [offscreen] Did you get him, dad?
Peter: [offscreen] We got him!

[Brian's racist tweet]
Brian: About to see the new Kevin Hart movie. Just kidding. I'm white & went to college. #BaywatchMovie

Peter: Hey, Jerome. Gimme a beer.
Jerome': Oh, why? Cuz I'm like your slave? Man, you're no better than your racist dog.
Peter: Come on, man. Brian was just making a joke.
Quagmire: I told you about Brian, man. I told you.

[A sensitivity mob gangs up on Chris and Meg in the lunchroom]
Sensitive Guy: Your dog wrote an insensitive tweet. You can't eat here.
Chris: Uh-oh, Meg. It's a sensitivity mob.
Meg: It was just a joke!
Sensitive Girl: There's no such thing as jokes anymore.
Other Sensitive Guy: Yeah, we live in a post-joke world.

Lois: This is getting out of control. We can't leave the house without getting harassed.
Peter: Yeah, yesterday I went outside to try to get the mail and I had a seizure.

[Brian apologizes to an offended angry mob]
Brian: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here today to apologize ...
Offended Man: Why did you say "ladies" first? That's sexist!
Brian: It's just ... It's just a standard greeting. Let ... let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies ...
Offended Woman: Ooh, says the man!
Brian: Okay, sorry I ... I, um. Humans in the audience.
Offended Basketball: I identify as a basketball!

Brian: What do you all want from me? Huh? Do you wanna ruin my life? Then, congratulations! You did it! Everybody hates me! I can't leave the house without getting harassed, no one will hire me, ...
Stewie: [offscreen] That was a problem, before.

[Brian gets ready to leave the family]
Stewie: Brian wait!
[Stewie comes back to say one last thing to Brian]
Stewie: This collar is ours. It has our address on it.
[Stewie takes Brian's collar]
Stewie: Peace, dude.

Store Clerk: Hey, did you knock over a few bottles in Aisle 7?
Brian: Um, yeah.
Store Clerk: [sigh]
Brian: ... Okay.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// The D in Apartment 23's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.