- [Peter and Lois watch Meg do a one woman performance of "I Love Trash"]
- Peter: Whose fault is this?
- Lois: You're wearing a garbage bag as a cape. Who do you think?
- [Brian hits on a girl in the library]
- Brian: So, who are you reading?
- Girl: George Elliot.
- Brian: Ah, Georgie. I'm a big fan. I think he...
- Girl: She.
- Brian: She said it best, when she said. [looks at a page of the girl's book] "Bantam Press, 1851".
- [Peter goes to Dick's Sporting Goods]
- Peter: Um, what's the name of this place?
- Dick's Employee: Dick's.
- Peter: [snickers] A...And what's that say on your shirt?
- Dick's Employee: Dick's.
- Peter: [snickers] Can I have two balls...and a helmet?
- Dick's Employee: Hey, you're the guy from the phone!
- [Peter runs away, laughing]
- Peter: [offscreen] Start the car, Chris!
- Chris: [offscreen] Did you get him, dad?
- Peter: [offscreen] We got him!
- [Brian's racist tweet]
- Brian: About to see the new Kevin Hart movie. Just kidding. I'm white & went to college. #BaywatchMovie
- Peter: Hey, Jerome. Gimme a beer.
- Jerome: Oh, why? Cuz I'm like your slave? Man, you're no better than your racist dog.
- Peter: Come on, man. Brian was just making a joke.
- Quagmire: I told you about Brian, man. I told you.
- [A sensitivity mob gangs up on Chris and Meg in the lunchroom]
- Sensitive Guy: Your dog wrote an insensitive tweet. You can't eat here.
- Chris: Uh-oh, Meg. It's a sensitivity mob.
- Meg: It was just a joke!
- Sensitive Girl: There's no such thing as jokes anymore.
- Other Sensitive Guy: Yeah, we live in a post-joke world.
- Lois: This is getting out of control. We can't leave the house without getting harassed.
- Peter: Yeah, yesterday I went outside to try to get the mail and I had a seizure.
- [Brian apologizes to an offended angry mob]
- Brian: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here today to apologize...
- Offended Man: Why did you say "ladies" first? That's sexist!
- Brian: It's just ... It's just a standard greeting. Let...let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies...
- Offended Woman: Ooh, says the man!
- Brian: Okay, sorry I...I, um. Humans in the audience.
- Offended Basketball: I identify as a basketball!
- Brian: What do you all want from me? Huh? Do you wanna ruin my life? Then, congratulations! You did it! Everybody hates me! I can't leave the house without getting harassed, no one will hire me...
- Stewie: [offscreen] That was a problem, before.
- [Brian gets ready to leave the family]
- Stewie: Brian, wait!
- [Stewie comes back to say one last thing to Brian]
- Stewie: This collar is ours. It has our address on it.
- [Stewie takes Brian's collar]
- Stewie: Peace, dude.
- Store Clerk: Hey, did you knock over a few bottles in Aisle 7?
- Brian: Um, yeah.
- Store Clerk: [sigh]
- Brian: ... Okay.
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