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in: Episodes, Season 19

The First No L/Quotes

< The First No L
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Lois: Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs while repeatedly yelling fuck in front of my children means only one thing, it's Christmas time!
Peter: Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago when the O in the Pornhub logo became a wreath.
Chris: Same.
Peter: [while bumping fists with Chris] Nice.
Lois: I'd like to finally get a present from the heart this year. Not just some defective clothing item Peter got on clearance at Marshall's.
Peter: [holds up a Rolling Stones knockoff shirt] But you love The Roling Stons.
Stewie: If this place doesn't have Baby Yoda toys, I swear to God ... I'll probably buy ... something with Spider-Man on it.
R: You were with M again, weren't you!?
H: What? No I wasn't!
R: Then why are you wearing a designer looking shirt at a fraction of the cost!?
H: Maybe I wanted to get caught!
R: I told you what I'd do if I ever caught you cheating! This is on you! [commits suicide]
H: Why!? WHYYYYY!?
[Y comes out of the bathroom]
Y: What's up? I was just taking a pee.
[P enters]
P: Someone call?
Lois: You're all gonna see how hard it is to make Christmas happen around here without me! I am packing my bags and I'm outta here!
[Quagmire runs up like Road Runner]
Quagmire: You're getting divorced?
Lois: No, I'm just leaving for a few days and ruining their Christmas.
[Mort runs up like Road Runner]
Mort: You're ruining Christmas by suing the city over holiday decorations?
Lois: No, I'm just leaving my family for the holidays.
[Stella runs up like Road Runner]
Stella: You're doing deaf jokes?
Lois: No ... No one's doing deaf jokes.
Stella: Well, I can't hear so I don't know.
[Greased Up Deaf Guy runs up like Road Runner]
Stella: She's not doing them.
Greased Up Deaf Guy: What!?
Stella: I don't know.
Peter: I think we ... I think we ... we are doing deaf jokes at this point.
Peter: We're gonna delete all of her pretentious crap off the DVR.
Chris: I want to be the one to delete The Crown. She never watched them. She just had 'em.
Peter: Do it, son.
Chris: Well, well, well, The Crown. How the tables have turned. Remember this face? The one that wanted to watch Modern Family? Well, payback's a bitch. Delete! "Are you sure you want to delete The Crown?" Yes. "Do you understand that it's really good?" Yes! "Are you sure? It will impress your friends." Accept. "You understand that we change the cast every season." Acknowledge. "Come on. It's The Crown. It's history." Don't care. "You are not allowed to delete The Crown."
Peter: Alright. Time to put up the 2020 Christmas decorations. First, ethnically accurate Jesus goes right here next to Father Mary and Mother Josephine. Followed closely are the three genderless wise people on their bird scooters, Tig Notaro for some reason, and of course, The Little Drummer Them because God forbid we call a boy a boy.
Chris: Dad, what are you say ...
Peter: I DON'T LIKE WHAT THE WORLD IS! I'M WHITE! WHEN'S IT GONNA BE OUR TURN!?
[Peter turns on the Christmas lights and gets a call from Quagmire]
Quagmire: [over the phone] Yeah, Merry Christmas. Um, listen, Peter, can you turn down those lights? I'm in bed with a three, and, um, extra light is not her friend.
[Lois gets a ride home from a Muslim]
Lois: Thanks for the ride and your unsolicited racial theories.
Muslim: I'm telling you, it's the Turks every time!
Stewie: [dressed as Cindy Lou Who] Santa Claus? Why are you taking our Christmas tree?
Lois: Why are you in pigtails and a little girl's nightgown?
Stewie: Okay, okay. Maybe we both forget what we saw.
[Quagmire makes a phone call]
Quagmire: Hello, Joan. My name is Glenn Quagmire. I'm just calling to see if I have a payment due on my Discover card ... What? ... No, I'm not alone on Christmas. I'll have you know, I'm actually here with my very large family! ... Uh, prove it by telling you my children's real names that don't sound like I made them up in a panic, uh, uh, ... Bloofus and Clunt.
Brian: Now use this black light to read what we wrote in invisible ink while This is Us's sad "stuff's about the happen" acoustic guitar plays.
[Lois opens the present from her family]
Lois: Wow. What is it?
Meg: It's a bowl we all made for you in a pottery class.
Stewie: A denim-shirted lesbian named CJ helped us.
Meg: So, Mom, who are these cousins you were in Mexico with?
Lois: Oh, you know just my cousins.
Brian: Which ones?
Chris: Yeah, mom. Prove it by telling us cousin names that don't sound like you made them up in a panic.
Stewie: Freakin' Clunt, man.

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