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in: Episodes, Season 14

The Heartbreak Dog/Quotes

< The Heartbreak Dog
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Stewie: Ugh, I'll have to text Rupert about what a train wreck this is.
[Stewie presses a button on a toy phone and it makes a duck quacking noise]
Stewie: [angrily to Lois] Hey! I want real things!
Bonnie: I'd better go downstairs before Joe realizes I'm gone and before Peter gets into the stuff that's not for the party.
Peter: [offscreen] Aw! Halloween Candy!
Joe: [offscreen] Peter, get out of the pantry!
Mrs. Abbott: Kids, this morning, Principal Shepherd wanted to say a few words.
Principal Shepherd: Thank you, Mrs. Abbott. Now, before we start, are these the normal kids or kind of the durr durr ones?
Mrs. Abbott: It's a healthy mix.
Principal Shepherd: Good morning, children. It's that time of the year again to fulfill your community service requirement by signing up for volunteer work.
Meg: Do we get to choose our own jobs?
Principal Shepherd: No, no, no. The jobs will be assigned randomly, but the cooler and prettier students have the better jobs. For instance, blonde chick on the third row will wash my car this afternoon, while little miss frumpkin with all the questions will work in an old folk's home?
Meg: Is frumpkin good?
Principal Shepherd: [laughing] No-ho-ho-ho-ho, no.
[Peter discovers that Brian kissed Bonnie]
Peter: What!?
Brian: I know, I know. It was a huge mistake. Let's just do two or three high-fives and forget it ever happened.
Lois: Peter, Joe and Bonnie are here for game night!
Peter: Game night?
Lois: Yeah, I figured it was the least we could do, since you pulled up a beheading video on your phone at their party and showed it to everyone.
Peter: It was really more about how loud my phone can get.
Lois: Peter, we're doing this.
Peter: [sighs] All right. But the Operation game is out of batteries, so I'll have to make the noise. [imitates buzzer] You hear that? That's the sound of bad surgery.
Meg: Mrs. Parkers, I'm Meg, your new student volunteer.
Mrs. Parkers: Ah, you must be my new student volunteer.
Meg: Yeah, I just said that.
Mrs. Parkers: What's your name dear?
Meg: It's Meg. Can I ... can I get a new person?
Mrs. Parkers: Nonsense, come in and between you and me, I hate my new student volunteer. That ugly little Meg. She says she's a girl, but she certainly has a boy's body odor.
Mrs. Parkers: [to Meg] Shut up! I'm trying to hum atonally!
[Meg texts Mayor West a picture of the piece of jewelry she stole]
Mayor West: Sick broach!
Mrs. West: Adam, are you done with mayor homework yet?
Mayor West: It's called a bill, mom!
Brian: Guys, thanks again for doing this. Joe has been making my life Hell.
Lois: Of course. Alright, when Joe get's here, we're telling him he needs to lighten up on Brian and then we'll all talk this thing out, so we can move past it.
Peter: And then I get to show my card trick?
Lois: If there's time.
Peter: Let's make this quick.
Joe: I'm not the guy who violated the sanctity of someone else's marriage!
Cleveland: Well, you make a good point Joe, and you're right, this is Brian. We all know he don't care where he gets his wick wet. Just ask Quagmire's father.
[Bonnie and Brian get into an argument]
Bonnie: Screw you! You tweet things that aren't worth tweeting!
Brian: Well, I'm sorry, but Kim Kardashian did get famous for making a sex tape!
Bonnie: We all know that! That's not yours and stop breathing through your mouth. It's really annoying!
Brian: Wow, I am sorry. Look, thi...this isn't us. This is just the no food and sleeping in a car talking. We can make this work, like couples who meet on Craig's list.
[Cutaway to a very unattractive man meeting an equally unattractive woman in her apartment]
Both: [deadpan] You're not what you looked like in your picture, let's get this over with.
Man: I wonder which one of us is the murderer.
Mrs. Parkers: Look at you two, stealing from the elderly! You're worse than that Juliette Lewis, who makes out with dogs!
Chris: Wait, is that a real thing? Where did you hear that? Where are your sources?
Bonnie: Joe? How did you find me?
Joe: Love is a powerful compass. Every time I quiet my mind and clear my heart, it always leads me to you, plus dirtbag here has a chip in his ear.
Brian: I do? Dammit, no wonder Peter's so good at hide and seek.
[Cutaway to Peter, lazily sitting drinking beer in a lounge chair and looking at his phone]
Peter: You're under the canoe in Quagmire's yard.
Brian: [Offscreen] Son of a bitch!
[Joe and Bonnie forgive each other and they make out]
Brian: Wow. I guess just call me Cupid, huh? You're welcome.
[Joe shoots Brian in the leg]
Brian: Ow, dammit! Uuuggh! Ugh! Ugh!
Stewie: Hey, Bri. Here to try that apple pie, you were texting about. Oh, you're shot.
Quagmire: Yeah, Brian is a dick, we all know that. But we're overlooking the fact that Bonnie is a weird slut who lets everyone know she's open for business.
Bonnie: What?! When am I doing that?
Quagmire: Oh come on, when are you not doing that? With that 'boo-boo' baby voice and that still-breast feeding rack of yours! [reaching out for Bonnie's chest] Oooh, give me some of that!

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