[For a complete script, see: "The Marrying Kind" at the Transcripts Wiki]


Lois: Woohoo! New Orleans! I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the twins! Ha ha! Did you hear what I said, Meg? I said I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the ...
Meg: [unamused] Yeah, I heard you.

[Stewie's hair poofs up]
Stewie: Feels a little hoooooooomid.

Peter: How did that Muppet song get in my head?
[Cutaway gag to Peter listening to The Muppet music in a van driving off a bridge]
Peter: Oh, yeah, it was playing when we Inceptioned.

Rachel: Mort, may my plantar fasciitis act like roots for our tree of love.

Mort: Rachel, with you by my side, there is no Christmas display that I can't sue the city over.

Rachel: I vow to keep you nourished by filling our home with the worst wine in the world and preparing potatoes and applesauce, just like nobody.

Rachel: You are the plastic covering to my furniture.

Rachel: May we continue to have no respect for other drivers on the road and view stop signs as suggestions.

Mort: May my dead ex-wife's uncle's Netflix account continue to be fruitful to us for many years to come.

Brian: Always nice coming back to your own house, huh?
Stewie: This isn't your house. It's my dad's.

Delivery Man: I have a package for Stewie Griffin.
Stewie: Day just starting or ending?
Delivery Man: Smack dab in the middle.
Stewie: Oh, dude. Brutal. Well, welcome to the back nine.

Lois: Well, I'd advise you space cadets to come back to earth because I'm only making one thing. Okay. Meg, did you hear what I said? I said, I'd advise you space cadets to come back to earth because ...
Meg: [slams plate off table in annoyance] YEAH, I HEARD YOU!

Peter: Now, if asked, we're brothers from Sweden, same mom, different dad.
Chris: Well, shouldn't it be same dad, different mom?
Peter: No, no, no. The Swedes have a very long fertility window, Chris.

Peter: Now grab a yogurt that's way smaller than you knew they made yogurts.
Chris: And you grab an orange juice that doesn't taste like orange juice, but like someone described the taste of orange juice to an alien.

Zolata: I like black man in glasses.

Stewie: Listen, I can't talk right now. My dog is banging my wife.

Brian: Look, Stewie, I'm sorry. I honestly didn't think you'd care. It's not like you're having sex with her.
Stewie: I know, right? Once they say "I do", they don't.

Chris: [narrating his crime story] In the end, Dad figured out a way we could keep eating breakfast together. We just had to kill a guard or two. Actually, we had to kill a bunch of guards. It was bad. It became a so-so Netflix documentary that Mort and Rachel were able to watch with his dead wife's uncle's password.

Doug: Hey, Stewie.
Stewie: Hey, Doug.
Doug: Oh, I heard about Splitsville. Uh, that's why I prefer the bachelor life. Just me, my big wheel, and the doll I draw private parts on.

Levi: You're alright, Griffin ...
Stewie: Levi?
Levi: ...for a [censored].
Stewie: Stop using that word!

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