[For the complete script, see: "The New Adventures of Old Tom" at the Transcripts Wiki]

TV Announcer: We now return to The Price is Right, now with male models.
Drew Carey: Now, let's look at your new car, presented by Ken.
[Ken is seen posing and showing the contestant his new car]
Contestant: I don't want it.

Peter: Hi, uh, I'll take two tickets for the ladybug express, please.
Ticket Guy: Sorry, the train is just for children.
Peter: Well, what about that guy in the front? He's a grown up.
Ticket Guy: He's the conductor.
Peter: I don't see no orchestra.
Ticket Guy: That's a different kind of conductor.
Peter: Okay, well, if he's the conductor, why don't he have electrical tape wrapped around him for safety?
Ticket Guy: Also a different kind of conductor.
Peter: Alright, thanks for joking around with me. We're gonna go check out the rest of the mall.

Brian: Huh, I know I left the ring right here.
Chris: If you're referring to the ring I thought was a lug nut, I ate it.
Brian: What? Why would you eat a lug nut?
Chris: I was dared.
Brian: By who?
Chris: By myself. I have low self-esteem.
Stewie: We should check in on this guy more.

Bonnie: I've never seen a bulge in the front of a man's pants before.

Chris: Uh, yeah. I'll take the Angus steak meal.
Cashier: I'm sorry, are you here to poop something out?
Chris: Yes.
Cashier: Okay, this line is just for regular diners, you need to get in that line.
[The cashier gestures toward an extremely long line and the guys start waiting]
Guy: Excuse me, is this the line for people who need to puke something up?
Stewie: I think this is just the poop line.
[An even longer line is seen next to them]
Stewie: [to the camera] You know which restaurant we're talking about.

Lois: Peter, you were the one who told Tom Tucker to try all that nonsense on TV? You realise you cost that man his job!
Peter: Well, how was I supposed to know? Katie Couric stuck a tube up her butt and they threw her a parade!
Lois: That was a colonoscopy!

Chris: You know, Brian. This wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity.
Brian: Don't pull rank on me, you ate a ring, you fat tub of crap.
Chris: Yeah? Well, who's gonna be fishing through a tub of crap soon, you unemployed buttmunch?

Tom: I was born to be a newsman.
[Cutaway to Tom Tucker's birth]
Tom: This just out, me!

[Brian, Stewie and Chris just narrowly jump into Jason Jewelry's, when Chris is just about ready to crap out the ring.]
Brian: [Offscreen] Hey, Shelby.
Shelby: [Offscreen] Brian?
Chris: [Offscreen] Aaaaagh! It's coming!
[Chris takes a diarrhea dump all over the trio]
Shelby: [Offscreen] Oh my God!
Brian: [Offscreen] Yes, um, I'd like to make a return please, and maybe take you to dinner?
Shelby: [Offscreen] Brian, I don't care that I was diarrhea-ed on. I care that you weren't honest.
Stewie: [Offscreen] I care that I was diarrhea-ed on. I care a great deal.

[Tom Tucker is interviewing Peter, who is on the brink of jumping off a building]
Tom: Tell us, crazy person, why are you doing all this?
Peter: I'll tell you why. I'm doing this because I ruined a guy's life and I feel awful about it. It's the only thing I can think of to make things right.
Tom: Well, whoever this guy is, I'm sure he appreciates whatever you're trying to do for him. I think I speak for all our viewers when I say, don't do this. Please, come down off this ledge with me.
Peter: You got it. If that's what the most trusted newsman in Quahog wants.
[A pigeon swoops by and startles the two, knocking Tom off the edge]
Peter: Aaah! Pigeon!
[Tom is heard hitting the ground and Peter checks it out]
Peter: It's fine, he landed on people.

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