Theme from "Family Guy"

Track 2 from Family Guy Live in Las Vegas.

Performed by: Lois, Peter, Brian, Stewie, Chris, Meg, and the Ensemble.

An extended version of the Theme Song

Lyrics

Lois:♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV, ♪

Peter: ♪ But where are those good old fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

Brian: ♪ It used to be, a big time star ♪

♪ Was elegant as Garbo or Hedy Lamarr, ♪

Stewie: ♪ But now we get whores like Jenny Lopez— ♪

♪ You ought to curl up and die! ♪

Chorus: ♪ Lucky there’s a Family Guy! ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

Stewie: ♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

Chorus: ♪ He’s a Family Guy! ♪

Lois: ♪ When I was young, the songs were fair, ♪

♪ With Mr. Johnny Mathis and Sonny and Cher, ♪

Peter: ♪ But now we get Justin Timber-homo. ♪

Lois: ♪ Oh how’d it all go awry? ♪

Chorus: ♪ So awry! ♪

Brian: ♪ The classic films were works of art; ♪

♪ The images were graceful; the stories were smart, ♪

Stewie: ♪ But now we get Matrix Revolutions ♪

I’m sorry, I know this doesn’t rhyme, but what the hell were you Wachowski brothers thinking?

Chorus: ♪ Lucky there’s a Family Guy! ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a fella sweeter than vanilla, ♪

♪ Wholesome as a piece of ♪

Stewie: ♪ Apple pie! ♪

Chorus: ♪ He’s a Family Guy! ♪

Lois: ♪ His smile’s a simple delight. ♪

Chris: ♪ He lets me see the boobies on the internet sites. ♪

Lois: Peter!

Meg: ♪ He bought me my cute little hat! ♪

Brian: ♪ Yeah, we should have a talk about that. ♪

Chorus: ♪ About that! ♪

♪ Hideous hat! ♪

{Instrumental}

Brian: ♪ He’s mastered the comedy arts. ♪

Stewie: ♪ He says, “Look out Hiroshima,” then casually farts. ♪

Lois: ♪ He’s loaded with sexy appeal. ♪

Peter: ♪ And best of all my titties are real! ♪

♪ Have a feel… ♪

Brian: No, thank you.

Stewie: I gave at the office.

Lois: ♪ The Brady Bunch has got their Mike, ♪

♪ And pretty Laura Petrie has Dickie van Dyke. ♪

♪ But who around here could fill those loafers? ♪

Chorus: ♪ Well, here’s a happy reply. ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a Family Guy! ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

Stewie: ♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

Chorus: ♪ He’s...a...Fa...mily...Guy! ♪

♪ He’s...a...Fa...mily...Guy! ♪

Lois: Oh, my, thank you very much. What a welcome.

Peter: I am gonna buy each and every one of you a beer after the show. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m kiddin’ for Christ’s sake, I’m not serious, that’s expensive! Well, just the fact that I came up with the idea should tell you I’m generous. I shouldn’t actually have to spend any money.

Meg: Uh, can we turn the spotlight down a bit?

Brian: Yeah, it is a little bright.

Stewie: You know, Brian, I just noticed something: with that light shining on you, from that angle, you look a lot like Jamie Farr.

Brian: Yeah, you’ve, uh, told me that before and, uh, it’s interesting because I’m thinking you look a lot like Britney Spears.

Stewie: Really? How so?

Brian: Well, you got that thing going with your eyes like Britney does, you know where—you know how her eyes are just, like, a hair too far apart, uh, almost like there was some immediate post-birth surgery that should have been done, but it was the South, so they didn’t have the medical technology?

Stewie: Oh, I see.

Chris: Mom.

Lois: Yes, honey?

Chris: I have a wedgie!

Lois: Chris, honey, wait until the intermission. Then you can fix it.

Peter: Well, we got a lot of fun stuff lined up here tonight; we got music, we got comedy, we got behind the scenes crap from the show.

Lois: That’s right. For example, not a lot of people know this, but in one episode of the show, there was a flashback of Brian when he was a puppy. Now, they couldn’t find a puppy who looked enough like him, so they actually built a dog suit for the scene and the actor inside the suit was Raven Symone, who was Olivia on the Cosby Show.

Brian: Fascinating bit of trivia.

Peter: All right, ok, I’ve got one for you. You know, the sound stage where we shoot Family Guy is the same stage where they shot the Golden Girls back in the 80s, right? And now, one of the stagehands was telling me a pretty intense story. I guess there was one night where they were all ready to shoot and, uh, the audience was waiting and, uh, nobody could find Bea Arthur. So everybody’s freakin’ out and, uh, then one of the producers runs in and says, “Cancel the show tonight; Bea Arthur’s in jail.”

Lois: Oh my god!

Peter: Yeah, apparently, she had a little too much to drink before the show and, uh, they found her standing on a street corner exposing her penis to traffic.

Brian: Oh my god!

Meg: Ewww! That’s disgusting!

Peter: Can you believe that?

Brian: Wait a minute. How the hell can Bea Arthur have a penis?

Peter: Eh, special permit.

Stewie: I say, what is it with these actors? They’re perfectly normal people in civilian life and then they come out to Hollywood and just go fucking berserk!

Brian: You gotta watch your language, kid.

Stewie: Oh, it’s a record album, for God’s sake, let’s cut loose a bit.

Chris: Nipples! Haha.

Stewie: Perfect example. Although, I must say I am amazed at the language you can get away with on television these days. I was watching Law and Order the other night and I swear to God, I heard someone use the word “balls.” And I thought to myself, “My god, that, that Dick Wolf just does whatever he damn well pleases, doesn’t he?” Bringing words like “balls” into America’s living rooms. I wonder how he’d like it if I just walked into his living room and used the word “balls.”

Brian: Uh, I think that’d be breaking and entering.

Lois: You know, I’m so glad they allowed us to bring Stewie this evening. The last show we did, we had to leave him at home. They didn’t allow babies in the theater.

Brian: Well, of course, people want to be able to enjoy the show.

Stewie: I am the show, you lack-witted beaglehead! Oh, what a night that was. My babysitter was a total bitch.

Lois: Stewie! That’s very rude! Especially since your babysitter is here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Haylie Duff!

Haylie: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

Peter: Hiya, sweetheart.

Lois: So, was it really that bad babysitting Stewie?

Haylie: You want the truth? Well, ok. So, after you and Peter left for dinner, I -— no, wait a minute. Let’s tell this story right. Chorus, please.