- Lois: Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey!
- Peter: If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on Evan Almighty! Zap!
- Lois: Chris, are Brian and your father back yet?
- Chris: No, and why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's?
- Stewie: It's weird. Y...yeah, you're right, that is weird.
- Peter: Oh, that is the nicest thing anyone's done for me since my kids gave me that Father's Day gift.
- [Cut to Peter at home with his family opening a box that has a tie in it]
- Peter: Oh, look, a tie. Perfect.
- [Peter raps the tie round his neck and sealing fan and hangs himself, everyone except Chris is shocked]
- Chris: It's from all of us!
- [Lois and Joe watch Kevin and his little person girlfriend have sex outside]
- Lois: Oh, my God, it looks like he's chalking up a pool cue!
- Peter: We'll be back with a turkey faster than you can say, "Jack Robinson."
- Lois: Jack Ro... [Slurs] Jack Ro... [Slurs]
- Peter: She had a stroke that killed the part of her brain that says, "Jack Robinson." We got plenty of time.
- ["Meet Virginia" by Train plays on the radio]
- Peter: Is this...is this fine?
- Brian: I mean it's not...it's...yeah, it's fine if you think it's fine.
- Peter: It's not that good of a song, but we know it.
- Brian: Yeah, ok. Sure.
- [Brief silence]
- Peter: Brian, I love Train!
- Brian: I fucking love Train!
- Brian: Nice Thanksgiving... I don't know why I ever listen to that jerk.
- [Brian looks over his shoulder and sees that Peter is following him]
- Peter: What? Home is this way. We're both just walking home.
- Brian: Leave me alone!
- Peter: No way. We're a team, Brian, whether you like it or not. Just like almond butter and no sugar added fruit preserves.
- [Cutaway of a commercial where a mother makes her kids lunch]
- Mother: Who's hungry?
- Kids: We are!
- Announcer: Hey, kids! Would you like a terrible healthy sandwich?
- Kids: No!
- Announcer: Too bad! Because your recently divorced mom has a crush on her trainer! And he eats like this, so now you have to, too! Almond butter and no sugar added fruit preserves! Just like PB&J, but with more of your mom railing this guy!
- Trainer: I named myself "Kaya".
- Peter: I wish you didn't have to die, but a bunch of white people put on sweaters.
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Turkey Guys's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 12 | Family Guy Season 13 | Season 14 >> | |||||||||
| #01 | The Simpsons Guy | #07 | Stewie, Chris & Brian's Excellent Adventure | #13 | Dr. C & The Women | ||||||
| #02 | The Book of Joe | #08 | Our Idiot Brian | #14 | #JOLO | ||||||
| #03 | Baking Bad | #09 | This Little Piggy | #15 | Once Bitten | ||||||
| #04 | Brian the Closer | #10 | Quagmire's Mom | #16 | Roasted Guy | ||||||
| #05 | Turkey Guys | #11 | Encyclopedia Griffin | #17 | Fighting Irish | ||||||
| #06 | The 2000-Year-Old Virgin | #12 | Stewie Is Enceinte | #18 | Take My Wife |
| |||||