Joe: Oh, look at his face. He looks like Oliver Platt climbing a flight of stairs.
[Oliver Pratt is seen watching the show]
Oliver: Hey, that's a low blow. I'm gonna call the network and complain. Where's the phone?
Camilia: It's upstairs, Oliver.
Oliver : Ah, they know what they did.

Quagmire: Tell ya what, Peter. I'll give you ten bucks if you drink an entire shot glass of the hot sauce.
Peter: Let me see the money.
Quagmire: Y...You don't believe I have ten dollars?

[Stewie comes up to Brian with an exercise ball]
Stewie: Oh, hey, Bri. Still sitting in chairs, huh? What did your back ever do to you?
Brian: I'm trying to watch.
Stewie: You know what I'm watching? My core. Your body and mind are supposed to be on the same team.
[Brian pops the ball]
Stewie: Sitting on the hard floor is good for your back too.

Lois: Peter, is there something you wanna tell me?
Peter: Uh, yeah. Every light in the house is on.
Lois: Did you destroy the library?
Peter: Did I destroy the library? Hah, No, Lois. That was television.

Opie: Well, I do miss drinking, but I have used the time to reconnect with my children and I have been thinking about resuming my actuarial practice.
Peter: Oh my God, he's just been drunk this whole time?

Joe: This new law sucks. I gotta say, it's pretty uncool of Mayor West to call it Peter's Law.
Peter: No kidding. Now I know how Megan from Megan's law felt.

Joe: Peter, why'd you want me to get me into this prison?
Peter: Because, Joe, everybody knows that all prisoners make bootleg wine in their toilet. We are gonna get so wasted. Oh, look, right here. This one's full of chardonnay.
[Peter takes out a cup and scoops some toilet water out of there]
Joe: Peter, I don't think that's...
[Peter drinks it and a freeze frame of him shows]
Peter: [Narration] But it was chardonnay. The best chardonnay I've ever had in my life. The man who made it, Curtis "Murder Dog" Williams, went on to become one of America's most celebrated vintners
Joe: [Narration] Hey, Joe here. Peter's lying, he drank pee-pee.

[A cop finds Peter drinking]
Cop: Hey, what's going on here?
Peter: Uh, some butthorn is shining a flashlight on me?
Cop: I meant prior to me coming up and investigating this.
Peter: Oh, well you gotta be clearer man, I'm wasted.
Cop: Sir, I'm gonna need to see some ID. You look underage.
[Peter gives him his license]
Cop: Just as I suspected, you're a minor.
Peter: It ain't my fault! Somebody's been buying it for me and all my friends!
Cop: Oh, is that right? Well you'd better tell me who that is or you're in a lot of trouble!
[Brian walks up]
Brian: Hey is this the park where Boner died? Wait, what's going on?
Peter: That's him officer! That's who's been buying us the booze!
Brian: What!?
Cop: [To Peter] You get home son. You're lucky I'm letting you off with a warning, [To Brian] but you, you're coming with me.

[Chris is wearing a Yanket]
Chris: Yay! Everybody's happy! I love this family!
Stewie: I draped that over him. He was just doing it out in the open.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Underage Peter's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.