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in: Episodes, Season 18

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Line 11: Line 11:
 
:'''Lois''': What?
  
:'''Lois''': What?
 
----
  
----
  +
:'''Cleveland''': You were in ''[[Seinfeld]]''?
  +
:'''Joe''': Yeah, that's right.
  +
----
  +
:''[Peter makes a kid a fart balloon animal]''
  +
:'''Peter''': Don't pop that. You'll throw up.
  +
----
  +
:'''Chris''': Hey, dad. What do you got there?
  +
:'''Peter''': Chris, I got us lobsters for dinner.
  +
:'''Chris''': Cool! Can ... Can I kill them?
  +
:'''Peter''': Hmmm, let me think ... Of course you can kill them, sport!
  +
:'''Chris''': YAAAAAY!
  +
----
  +
:''[A giant lobster shoves Peter's head into a boiling pot of water]''
  +
:'''Chris''': Stop! You're killing him!
  +
:'''Lobster''': ''[sarcastic]'' No, that's just air escaping. They can't feel anything.
  +
----
  +
:''[Peter uses a flesh light]''
  +
:'''Peter''': I'm surprised this thing still works after the day we had ... meaning I had sex with it.
  +
:'''Chris''': I know!
  +
:'''Lois''': We get it!
  +
:'''Meg''': Ew!
  +
:'''Stewie''': Five minutes ago, I had that flashlight under my chin to look scary.
  +
----
  +
:'''Peter''': Where'd you learn Klingon?
  +
:'''Lois''': A couple of girls who do my nails are Klingons and I just had to know if they were talking about me.
  +
:'''Peter''': Oh, word?
  +
----
  +
:'''Lois''': I found your account online. Monday night, you said you were working late but there's a $62 charge at the clam.
  +
:'''Peter''': So, whoever stole my card is still in town.
  +
----
  +
:''[Peter works as a birthday singer, who sings birthday songs with long, drawn-out clapping breaks]''
  +
:'''Peter''': We heard someone had a birthday.
  +
:'''Birthday Singers''': H ''[claps]'' A ''[claps]'' P ''[claps]'' P ''[claps]'' ...
  +
:''[A very long time later]''
  +
:'''Birthday Singers''': ''[claps]'' T ''[claps]'' E! Happy birthday, Charlotte!
  +
:'''Guy''': Excuse me, my table is celebrating the birthday of deceased Hawaiin pop singer, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.
  +
----
  +
:'''Peter''': Look, our internet connection.
  +
:''[Peter unplugs his wifi]''
  +
:'''Chris''': ''[offscren]'' Mom!
  +
:''[Peter plugs it back in]''
  +
:'''Chris''': ''[offscreen]'' Nevermind.
  +
:''[Peter unplugs it]''
  +
:'''Chris''': ''[offscreen]'' Mom!
  +
:''[Peter plugs it back in]''
  +
:'''Chris''': ''[offscreen]'' Nevermind.
  +
:''[Peter unplugs The Brown-Tubbs wifi]''
  +
:'''Cleveland''': ''[offscreen]'' Donna!
  +
:''[Peter unplugs the Swanson wifi]''
  +
:'''Joe''': ''[offscreen]'' Bonnie!
  +
:''[Peter unplugs the Quagmire wifi]''
  +
:'''Quagmire''': ''[offscreen]'' I'm not on the internet. Some people in this neighborhood read.
  +
----
  +
:'''Cleveland''': Anyway, it was a beautiful ceremony. We laid my Uncle Reggie to rest with the respect that he deserved.
  +
:''[Peter digs up through the ground]''
  +
:'''Cleveland''': AH! Uncle Reggie! I'm sorry we stuffed you in that hefty cinch sack and pushed you in the pond!
  +
----
  +
:'''Stewie''': What is it? What is it boy?
  +
:'''Brian''': ''[barks]''
  +
:'''Stewie''': The fat man dug a tunnel to go hang out with Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire? We've gotta tell someone!
  +
:''[Stewie goes to tell Lois]''
  +
:'''Lois''': What is it, Stewie?
  +
:'''Stewie''': WHAAAAAA! WHAAAAA!
  +
:'''Lois''': Daddy went to a Peter Cetara concert in Cleveland with Robin Tunney?
  +
:''[Chris enters]''
  +
:'''Chris''': Robin Tunney from ''The Mentalist'' slept with the entire Cleveland Browns team?
  +
:'''Meg''': ''Bad Moms'' 1 and 2 are availible on most streaming platforms?
  +
:''[Peter digs to the surface]''
  +
:'''Peter''': Don't ... Don't do that, Mila. Not on this show.
  +
----
  +
:'''Chris''': I'm about to take my laptop into the bathroom. I ask that you please respect my privacy in this difficult time. Thank you.
  +
----
  +
:'''Quagmire''': Anyone else having trouble breathing?
  +
:'''Peter''': Could just be allergies.
  +
:'''Quagmire''': ''[angry]'' Yeah. Yeah, you think it's allergies? You don't think it's because we're running out of air!?
  +
:''[the two argue]''
  +
:'''Peter''': It's hard to say. I don't know how severe your allergies are. Different people are allergic.
  +
:'''Quagmire''': ''[angry]'' You are such a moron! You know, I hope we do die down here.
  +
:'''Peter''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh, that's nice.
  +
:'''Quagmire''': ''[angry]'' So I never have to listen to another word out of your mouth!
  +
:'''Peter''': ''[sarcastic]'' That's a nice thing to say to a lifelong friend.
  +
:''[Quagmire sneezes]''
  +
:'''Peter''': Ahhhh. Ahhh.
  +
:'''Quagmire''': I'm gonna kill you, Peter!
  +
----
  +
:'''Cleveland''': So if we're all gonna die anyway, what's the worst thing you guys have ever done?
  +
:'''Peter''': Okay, I'll go first. Lois once killed a woman.
  +
:'''Quagmire''': Seems like a secret about Lois.
  +
:'''Peter''': Yeah but I picked out the woman.
  +
----
  +
:'''Quagmire''' What's that sound?
  +
:'''Peter''': Probably just the movie in the next theater.
  +
----
  +
:'''Tom''': So, Chris. You happy to have your dad back?
  +
:'''Chris''': Yeah, you know what, Tom? I think we're all gonna go home and charge out laptops a little longer tonight. Just never know when you're gonna run out of juice and have to use your phone.
  +
:'''Tom''': ''[tears up]'' You know, just because we're reporters doesn't mean we're devoid of emotion. Go on and head home with your family.
  +
:'''Chris''': Thanks, Tom.
  +
:'''Tom''': ''[wipes away tears]'' That's a ... That's a very horny kid right there.
  +
----
  +
:''[20 years ago, Peter and Lois go on a date for their honeymoon]''
  +
:'''Waitress''': I'm sorry, sir. The chef said he can't make a chocolate chip gumball pizza.
  +
:'''Peter''': Oh-ho. That's okay. It's not your fault. I'll just need another minute then.
  +
:''[The waitress leaves]''
  +
:'''Peter''': ''[grimly]'' Her.
  +
:''[Lois pulls out a gun]''
  +
:'''Lois''': I'm on it. I love you so much.
 
}}
  
}}
 
{{Season18Nav}}
  
{{Season18Nav}}

Revision as of 04:16, 25 February 2020

Boymanwhat
[Peter and Lois try to calm down after a fight]
Lois: Peter, I don't want to have to ground you. You're my husband and I just don't want you to lie to me.
Peter: I lie to you 'cause you treat me like a kid.
Lois: Act like a man and I'll stop treating you like a kid.
Peter: Look like a kid, I'll start acting like a man.
Lois: What?
Cleveland: You were in Seinfeld?
Joe: Yeah, that's right.
[Peter makes a kid a fart balloon animal]
Peter: Don't pop that. You'll throw up.
Chris: Hey, dad. What do you got there?
Peter: Chris, I got us lobsters for dinner.
Chris: Cool! Can ... Can I kill them?
Peter: Hmmm, let me think ... Of course you can kill them, sport!
Chris: YAAAAAY!
[A giant lobster shoves Peter's head into a boiling pot of water]
Chris: Stop! You're killing him!
Lobster: [sarcastic] No, that's just air escaping. They can't feel anything.
[Peter uses a flesh light]
Peter: I'm surprised this thing still works after the day we had ... meaning I had sex with it.
Chris: I know!
Lois: We get it!
Meg: Ew!
Stewie: Five minutes ago, I had that flashlight under my chin to look scary.
Peter: Where'd you learn Klingon?
Lois: A couple of girls who do my nails are Klingons and I just had to know if they were talking about me.
Peter: Oh, word?
Lois: I found your account online. Monday night, you said you were working late but there's a $62 charge at the clam.
Peter: So, whoever stole my card is still in town.
[Peter works as a birthday singer, who sings birthday songs with long, drawn-out clapping breaks]
Peter: We heard someone had a birthday.
Birthday Singers: H [claps] A [claps] P [claps] P [claps] ...
[A very long time later]
Birthday Singers: [claps] T [claps] E! Happy birthday, Charlotte!
Guy: Excuse me, my table is celebrating the birthday of deceased Hawaiin pop singer, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.
Peter: Look, our internet connection.
[Peter unplugs his wifi]
Chris: [offscren] Mom!
[Peter plugs it back in]
Chris: [offscreen] Nevermind.
[Peter unplugs it]
Chris: [offscreen] Mom!
[Peter plugs it back in]
Chris: [offscreen] Nevermind.
[Peter unplugs The Brown-Tubbs wifi]
Cleveland: [offscreen] Donna!
[Peter unplugs the Swanson wifi]
Joe: [offscreen] Bonnie!
[Peter unplugs the Quagmire wifi]
Quagmire: [offscreen] I'm not on the internet. Some people in this neighborhood read.
Cleveland: Anyway, it was a beautiful ceremony. We laid my Uncle Reggie to rest with the respect that he deserved.
[Peter digs up through the ground]
Cleveland: AH! Uncle Reggie! I'm sorry we stuffed you in that hefty cinch sack and pushed you in the pond!
Stewie: What is it? What is it boy?
Brian: [barks]
Stewie: The fat man dug a tunnel to go hang out with Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire? We've gotta tell someone!
[Stewie goes to tell Lois]
Lois: What is it, Stewie?
Stewie: WHAAAAAA! WHAAAAA!
Lois: Daddy went to a Peter Cetara concert in Cleveland with Robin Tunney?
[Chris enters]
Chris: Robin Tunney from The Mentalist slept with the entire Cleveland Browns team?
Meg: Bad Moms 1 and 2 are availible on most streaming platforms?
[Peter digs to the surface]
Peter: Don't ... Don't do that, Mila. Not on this show.
Chris: I'm about to take my laptop into the bathroom. I ask that you please respect my privacy in this difficult time. Thank you.
Quagmire: Anyone else having trouble breathing?
Peter: Could just be allergies.
Quagmire: [angry] Yeah. Yeah, you think it's allergies? You don't think it's because we're running out of air!?
[the two argue]
Peter: It's hard to say. I don't know how severe your allergies are. Different people are allergic.
Quagmire: [angry] You are such a moron! You know, I hope we do die down here.
Peter: [sarcastic] Oh, that's nice.
Quagmire: [angry] So I never have to listen to another word out of your mouth!
Peter: [sarcastic] That's a nice thing to say to a lifelong friend.
[Quagmire sneezes]
Peter: Ahhhh. Ahhh.
Quagmire: I'm gonna kill you, Peter!
Cleveland: So if we're all gonna die anyway, what's the worst thing you guys have ever done?
Peter: Okay, I'll go first. Lois once killed a woman.
Quagmire: Seems like a secret about Lois.
Peter: Yeah but I picked out the woman.
Quagmire What's that sound?
Peter: Probably just the movie in the next theater.
Tom: So, Chris. You happy to have your dad back?
Chris: Yeah, you know what, Tom? I think we're all gonna go home and charge out laptops a little longer tonight. Just never know when you're gonna run out of juice and have to use your phone.
Tom: [tears up] You know, just because we're reporters doesn't mean we're devoid of emotion. Go on and head home with your family.
Chris: Thanks, Tom.
Tom: [wipes away tears] That's a ... That's a very horny kid right there.
[20 years ago, Peter and Lois go on a date for their honeymoon]
Waitress: I'm sorry, sir. The chef said he can't make a chocolate chip gumball pizza.
Peter: Oh-ho. That's okay. It's not your fault. I'll just need another minute then.
[The waitress leaves]
Peter: [grimly] Her.
[Lois pulls out a gun]
Lois: I'm on it. I love you so much.

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