- Cleveland: You were in Seinfeld?
- Joe: Yeah, that's right.
- [Peter makes a kid a fart balloon animal]
- Peter: Don't pop that. You'll throw up.
- Chris: Hey, dad. What do you got there?
- Peter: Chris, I got us lobsters for dinner.
- Chris: Cool! Can...Can I kill them?
- Peter: Hmmm, let me think...Of course you can kill them, sport!
- Chris: YAAAAAY!
- [A giant lobster shoves Peter's head into a boiling pot of water]
- Chris: Stop! You're killing him!
- Lobster: [sarcastic] No, that's just air escaping. They can't feel anything.
- [Peter uses a flesh light]
- Peter: I'm surprised this thing still works after the day we had...meaning I had sex with it.
- Chris: I know!
- Lois: We get it!
- Meg: Ew!
- Stewie: Five minutes ago, I had that flashlight under my chin to look scary.
- [In Klingon]
- Peter: Where'd you learn Klingon?
- Lois: A couple of girls who do my nails are Klingons and I just had to know if they were talking about me.
- Peter: Oh, word?
- Lois: I found your account online. Monday night, you said you were working late but there's a $62 charge at the clam.
- Peter: So, whoever stole my card is still in town.
- [Peter works as a birthday singer, who sings birthday songs with long, drawn-out clapping breaks]
- Peter: We heard someone had a birthday.
- Birthday Singers: H [claps] A [claps] P [claps] P [claps] ...
- [A very long time later]
- Birthday Singers: [claps] T [claps] E! Happy birthday, Charlotte!
- Guy: Excuse me, my table is celebrating the birthday of deceased Hawaiin pop singer, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.
- Peter: Look, our internet connection.
- [Peter unplugs his wifi]
- Chris: [offscren] Mom!
- [Peter plugs it back in]
- Chris: [offscreen] Nevermind.
- [Peter unplugs it]
- Chris: [offscreen] Mom!
- [Peter plugs it back in]
- Chris: [offscreen] Nevermind.
- [Peter unplugs The Brown-Tubbs wifi]
- Cleveland: [offscreen] Donna!
- [Peter unplugs the Swanson wifi]
- Joe: [offscreen] Bonnie!
- [Peter unplugs the Quagmire wifi]
- Quagmire: [offscreen] I'm not on the internet. Some people in this neighborhood read.
- Cleveland: Anyway, it was a beautiful ceremony. We laid my Uncle Reggie to rest with the respect that he deserved.
- [Peter digs up through the ground]
- Cleveland: AH! Uncle Reggie! I'm sorry we stuffed you in that Hefty Cinch Sack and pushed you in the pond!
- Stewie: What is it? What is it boy?
- Brian: [barks]
- Stewie: The fat man dug a tunnel to go hang out with Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire? We've gotta tell someone!
- [Stewie goes to tell Lois]
- Lois: What is it, Stewie?
- Stewie: WHAAAAAA! WHAAAAA!
- Lois: Daddy went to a Peter Cetera concert in Cleveland with Robin Tunney?
- [Chris enters]
- Chris: Robin Tunney from The Mentalist slept with the entire Cleveland Browns team?
- Meg: Bad Moms 1 and 2 are available on most streaming platforms?
- [Peter digs to the surface]
- Peter: Don't ... Don't do that, Mila. Not on this show.
- [Peter and Lois try to calm down after a fight]
- Lois: Peter, I don't want to have to ground you. You're my husband and I just don't want you to lie to me.
- Peter: I lie to you 'cause you treat me like a kid.
- Lois: Act like a man and I'll stop treating you like a kid.
- Peter: Look like a kid, I'll start acting like a man.
- Lois: What?
- Chris: I'm about to take my laptop into the bathroom. I ask that you please respect my privacy in this difficult time. Thank you.
- Quagmire: Anyone else having trouble breathing?
- Peter: Could just be allergies.
- Quagmire: [angry] Yeah. Yeah, you think it's allergies? You don't think it's because we're running out of air!?
- [the two argue]
- Peter: It's hard to say. I don't know how severe your allergies are. Different people are allergic.
- Quagmire: [angry] You are such a moron! You know, I hope we do die down here.
- Peter: [sarcastic] Oh, that's nice.
- Quagmire: [angry] So I never have to listen to another word out of your mouth!
- Peter: [sarcastic] That's a nice thing to say to a lifelong friend.
- [Quagmire sneezes]
- Peter: Ahhhh. Ahhh.
- Quagmire: I'm gonna kill you, Peter!
- Cleveland: So if we're all gonna die anyway, what's the worst thing you guys have ever done?
- Peter: Okay, I'll go first. Lois once killed a woman.
- Quagmire: Seems like a secret about Lois.
- Peter: Yeah but I picked out the woman.
- Quagmire What's that sound?
- Peter: Probably just the movie in the next theater.
- Tom: So, Chris. You happy to have your dad back?
- Chris: Yeah, you know what, Tom? I think we're all gonna go home and charge out laptops a little longer tonight. Just never know when you're gonna run out of juice and have to use your phone.
- Tom: [tears up] You know, just because we're reporters doesn't mean we're devoid of emotion. Go on and head home with your family.
- Chris: Thanks, Tom.
- Tom: [wipes away tears] That's a...That's a very horny kid right there.
- [20 years ago, Peter and Lois go on a date for their honeymoon]
- Waitress: I'm sorry, sir. The chef said he can't make a chocolate chip gumball pizza.
- Peter: Oh-ho. That's okay. It's not your fault. I'll just need another minute then.
- [The waitress leaves]
- Peter: [grimly] Her.
- [Lois pulls out a gun]
- Lois: I'm on it. I love you so much.
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Undergrounded's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
<< Season 17 | Family Guy Season 18 | Season 19 >> | ||||||
#01 | Yacht Rocky | #08 | Shanksgiving | #15 | Baby Stewie | |||
#02 | Bri-Da | #09 | Christmas is Coming | #16 | Start Me Up | |||
#03 | Absolutely Babulous | #10 | Connie's Celica | #17 | Coma Guy | |||
#04 | Disney's The Reboot | #11 | Short Cuts | #18 | Better Off Meg | |||
#05 | Cat Fight | #12 | Undergrounded | #19 | Holly Bibble | |||
#06 | Peter & Lois' Wedding | #13 | Rich Old Stewie | #20 | Movin’ In (Principal Shepherd’s Song) | |||
#07 | Heart Burn | #14 | The Movement |