[For a complete script, see: "Untitled Griffin Family History" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Moses Griffin: All right, listen up. Before we go any further I wanna lay down a few rules, right? Commandment #1: Shut the hell up. Commandment #2: There's nothing I can do about the sun. Commandment #3: There are no more Jolly Ranchers, they're all gone. Commandment #4: When we pass a billboard, please don't read it out loud. Alright? Now come on, let's keep goin'!
Man 1: Oh, look at that! "Danny Gans, entertainer of the year".
Moses: What did I say?!
Man 2: "Hassle-free checking".
Moses: Dammit!
Man 3: "Man cow in the morning".
Moses: Shut up!

Chuggs: Hahaha! You're going down, man! [God farts] Aw dude, that is SICK!
God: YEAH!! UNDEFEATED!! Oh wait-wait, here comes another one. Quick, gimme your lighter.
[God's second fart results in the Big Bang]
God: Ahhh. Ya smell that?

Brian: What's the matter?
Peter: That wasn't oxygen, that was a tank of Tony Danza's breath! Ugh, wonder who got my oxygen tank.
Judith Light: Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me. [turns knob, smooches oxygen tank] Hey!

Brian: Peter, what is that? [pan left to a panic room]
Peter: Well, I got the idea to build a panic room after I saw that movie, The Butterfly Effect. I thought, "Whoa, this is terrible. I wish I could escape where this movie couldn't find me." And then...
Lois: What the hell are we waiting for?!

Peter: But since we're all gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you. I did not care for The Godfather.
Lois: What?
Peter: Did not care for The Godfather.
Chris: How can you even say that, dad?
Peter: Didn't like it.
Lois: Peter, it's so good! It's like the perfect movie!
Peter: This is what everyone always said. Whenever they say...
Chris: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, I mean, you never see, Robert Duvall!
Peter: Fine. Fine. Fine actor, did not like the movie.
Brian: Why not?
Peter: Did not...couldn't get into it.
Lois: Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it?
Peter: It insists upon itself, Lois.
Lois: What?
Peter: It insists upon itself.
Lois: What does that even mean?
Chris: Because it has a valid point to make, it's insisted!
Peter: It takes forever getting in; you spend like six and a half hours... You know, I can't get through, I've never even finished the movie. I've never seen the ending.
Chris: You've never seen the ending?!
Stewie: How can you say you don't like it if you haven't even given it a chance?
Lois: I agree with Stewie. It's not even fair.
Peter: I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sitting around on the easy chairs.
Lois: Yeah, it's a great scene. I love that scene.
Peter: I have no idea what they're talking about. It's like they're speaking a different... You know, that's where I lose interest in it.
Lois: You know what, Peter,
Chris: They're speaking Italian!
Lois: The language they're speaking is a language of subtlety; it's something you don't understand.
Peter: I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement.
Lois: Exactly.
Peter: Well, there you go.
Lois: Whatever.
Chris: I like that movie too.

Joe: Thank God you guys are okay!
Chris: Wow! You saved our lives, Mr. Swanson!
Joe: We've captured the burglars.
Lois: Oh, thank God.
Joe: Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter.
Peter: Well, that was a close call!
Joe: You know, Meg should probably get a lawyer.
Lois: [to Peter] Oh, sweetie, thanks for keeping our spirits up with your stories.
Joe: Your daughter's a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time.
Peter: [to Lois] Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness.
Joe: All right, guys, just take her away.
Peter: Have fun at the dance, Meg! I hope she does, that kid really deserves it.

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