- Joe: [after the Chumba Wumbas push his wheelchair out on the street] I'M GLAD I'M NOT TAKING YOUR STUPID TOUR! I'M A COORS MAN ANYWAY! SILVER BULLET!
- Cleveland: Remember when you went on Password?
- [Cutaway to Peter on Password, partnered with Tony Randall]
- Announcer: [whispering] The password is... "flaming."
- Peter: You...
- Tony Randall: Actor.
- Peter: You...
- Tony Randall: Tony?
- Peter: You...
- Jimmy: [Practicing his piano lessons with Lois]
- Stewie: Ugh, trying to watch the history channel here.
- Lois: Keep practicing Jimmy, I'll be right back.
- Stewie: Not talkin' to myself here
- Stewie: [Climbs down off couch and runs off screen. After we hear punching noises he runs back to the couch]
- Lois: OK, Jimmy... oh my God, what happened?
- Stewie: Yes Jimmie, what happened?
- Jimmy: Uh, uh... [glances back at Stewie]... I fell.
- Pawtucket Pat: What the hell is this??! Didn't you read the sign!!?? [Points to a "Keep out Sign"] You have sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules!! I want you to leave immediately!!
- Peter: Ah come on!!! Uh don't...do I at least get a Chumba Wumba song?
- [Knocking at the door and Lois is opening it, Peter is outside]
- Peter: Ah, Lois, thank God it's you. The last three houses I went to were very rude.
- Lois: Have you been drinking?
- Peter: Well, yes I have, thank you. I've gotta find one of these silver scrolls, everyone is looking for 'em.
- [Mayor West's office where he is interrogating a bottle of Pawtucket Patriot beer]
- Mayor Adam West: Alright, listen to me, you long-neck bastard. You give me the scroll and I'll make head of sanitation services for the entire city. It's a do-nothing-job sweet cake.
- [At a fraternity house]
- Death: Two more dead from alcohol poisoning. Hmm.. looking for that scroll ha? Wouldn't mind finding that thing myself.
- [He opens a beer with his eye holes and drinks it. He later stumbles out of the house to his car]
- Death: Ah, ah geez. Oh man, hope I don't get pulled over. Okay, be cool maintain. [He fasten his seat belt, arrange the mirrors, chews a gum, makes a bubble and starts the engine]
- Death: Okay Death you can do this!
- Gynecologist Dr. Fred Rubin: [to Lois regarding Alexis] Don't let her get to you. She asked for 'Pine Forest', I gave her 'New Car'.
- [After a night of Peter practicing the piano he looses his booze]
- Lois: No, no, no. Play it like you did last night.
- Peter: I can't.
- Lois: Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that.
- Peter: Well, sometimes it does, I mean you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
- [Peter in his bedroom under the blanket]
- Peter: Come on Lois, move or something. Geez, it's like doing it with a pillow.
- Lois: Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
- Peter: Oh.
- Peter as a child: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
- Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.
- Peter: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery. Now help me drink these beers.
- Peter: Lois, you don't get it. The lesson here is abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences.
- Quagmire: Hey, gorgeous! You wanna come home with me?
- Woman: I'm with my husband!
- Quagmire: Lose the zero, get with the hero. [The man punches Quagmire] Little violent for you, don't you think? [The man punches Quagmire] Heh. I'll be right over there.
- Peter: [as he discovers that he found the last scroll in his bottle of beer] I found it! I found the last scroll!
- Crowd member: [as they get excited] Run home Peter! Run as fast as you can!
- [Peter runs all the way home but then trips]
- Peter: Ah! [hisses] Ah! [hisses] Ah!
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