[For a complete script, see: "Who's Brian Now?" at the Transcripts Wiki]


Manager: I can assure you, we have a wonderful team of lesbians wearing all black for you to choose from.
Peter: [Upset] No! I want Jerry!
Lois: Come on, Peter, it's just a haircut. Come on, get up. You're embarrassing me.
Peter: [Lying on the floor] I'm not gonna. I hate you.
Lois: Come on, Peter. You're acting worse than the time Chris auditioned for Stanley Kubrick.

Lois: Peter you have to get a haircut.
Peter: Lois, Jerry's dead. So I think I'm just gonna be a long-haired old guy from here on out.
Meg: I'm, like, not mad at his hair. Sorry, but, like, I would.
Brian: You would what? And with who?
Meg: Anything. With anybody. I don't give a horse's tomato.

Peter: [On TV] How would I describe it here? Well, we're just normal long-haired people who happen to share a love of soup and, uh, also vigorous den-floor tongue dunking. Yeah, honestly the soups are a much bigger part of it than I was led to believe. Like, I-I can't stress that enough. I always have to pee wicked during the other thing.
Stewie: There's a framed grandparent photo watching all that activity in the den.

Peter: It's where I make my liquor free from government interference. Here, try a swig.
Brian: [Coughs out moonshine] What's in this?
Peter: I have no idea. I could really use some government interference.
Brian: Uh, it's actually not that bad.
[Police pull up quickly]
Peter: It's the police! Run!
[Brian and Peter scramble into the woods]
Joe: Well, don't worry. I won't get far on foot.

[Brian drunk and alone in the woods decides to watch Alex Jones videos]
Alex Jones: But now let's get back to the real news, my friends. There is a pedohebephile ring at TCBY. It does not stand for "The Country's Best Yogurt," it stands for "Take Children. Boys? Yes!"

Stewie: This is a search for "Hendersons net worth question mark."
Brian: Ah, sorry, let me go back.
Stewie: That says "Hendersons feet." "Hendersons daughter." "Hendersons daughter age." Yikes, Bri.
Chris: "Hendersons naked." Whoa "Florence Henderson naked." Her boobs look just like her eyes!

Chris: Anyway, I've already been fired for touching myself while the Hot Dog on a Stick ladies made lemonade.
Brian: That's terrible, Chris.
Chris: Well, to be fair, the hot dogs look like wieners and lemonade looks like pee, so I was kind of doomed from the get-go.

Peter: Now that there's no dog in the house, we can finally throw gross things in the open bathroom trash.
Chris: I've got a bloody Kleenex from when I blew my nose too hard!
Peter: Put it in there!
Meg: How about bloody toilet paper from wiping too hard?
Peter: Everything bloody from everything too hard goes in there!
Stewie: I'm not proud of this family.

Mr. Henderson: Whoa, where do you think you're going?
Brian: Oh. I just assumed that was my seat.
Mr. Henderson: Brian, we've never had an unwiped dog anus on a chair cushion before. And we're not about to change that now, as happy as we are you've returned to us.

Peter: I'm over here. I found your vibrator, and I was holding my thing up next to it. I thought they should meet each other.

Lois: [Angry] Peter, we had sex twenty minutes ago!
Chris: Actually, it was seventeen minutes ago. Though neither of you finished, so technically it's still going.
Peter: Just...I...I was very full. Just,...just know that.

Brian: Hey, thanks for committing a brutal crime for me, Peter. You didn't have to do that. The Hendersons treated me like a pet. But you guys treat me like family. And I miss that.
Peter: Look, Brian, I know we ain't as "fisticated" or "smort" or "intolergant" as them, but you're still our cat, you know? We want you to corn home.

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