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[For a complete script, see: "Young Parent Trap" at the Transcripts Wiki]


Doug: Hey, Poopy Thumb!
Stewie: It was golden spicy brown mustard from my sandwich! How many times do I have to say it!?
Doug: [chuckles] Okay, no need to relitigate what four of our peers saw.

Peter: Is Garrick Utley alive?
Lois: I ... [sigh], I don't know, Peter.

Matt: Hey, I've been meaning to ask all night. Those vintage pants are amazing. Where did you get them?
Peter: Oh, they were folded neatly on a toilet in the gas station.
Kate: Hey, you know, we're staring a text chain with some of the other young parents.
Lois: Uh, y ... young parents?
Matt: Yeah, new parents like us have to stick together.
Lois: Uh, yes we do because we're very young!
Kate: Great. Can we get your number?
Peter: Sure, we're LA-keside, four seven ...
Lois: [elbows Peter] Uh, he's kidding. We'll hit you with the digits.

Lois: This is our chance! Our chance to break away from the Joes and Bonnies of the world.

Peter: Well, I don't know what you're saying Lois but that horse is the dumbest horse I have ever seen in my life.

[Lois shows Chris and Meg all the Tupperware she left them in the freezer]
Lois: This is calamari. This is my placenta. Are you listening? You're gunna wanna watch where I point. Calamari, placenta!

Meg: Who died again?
Lois: Meg, listen to the lies. Nobody died. AN aunt of your father's or mine is very ill.
Meg: Why's Stewie going with you?
Peter: Stewie loved Uncle Grandpa!

[Chris and Meg end up in a dog crate after trying to trap Brian]
Chris: He tricked us and we're still waiting on that lasagna!
Meg: Chris, that was the trick.
Chris: Oh.

Lois: Oh, look! We're in apartment 4G like the iPhone.
Peter: That's stupid, Lois. Don't ever say that again.
[Matt enters]
Matt: Hey, how's everything going in there?
Peter: Great! We're in apartment 4G like the iPhone!
Matt: [laughs] Oh, that's so twisted! Did you make that up?
Peter: Yes!

Lois: Oh, this is it, Peter. We're gunna vape! We're gunna vape!
Peter: It's causing deaths but not that many!

Meg: Ugh, I can't believe I ate both Tupperwares of calamari.

Brian: Man, this broom handle poke tapioca is deligious.
Meg: Chris had sex with that.
[Brian spits it out in disgust]
Chris: Relax, I didn't finish.
Brian: Oh.

Peter: I only buy pants that donate the same pair to a third world country.
[Cutaway gag to an African guy named Endugu wearing Peter's pants]
Other African Guy: Run home with these expired military condoms, Endugu! Run and make sure they use them!

Chris: I have an idea. Why don't we all play a board game?
Matt: Great idea!
Chris: Have you guys ever played The Wrath of the Star Eclipse: Empire: Twilight of Destruction?
Peter: Eh, what is that? Is that ... Is that like Sorry?
Chris: Uh, does Sorry have a 900 sided die and its own language of rules?

Lois: What the hell is Airdrop? Is that Wifi?
Peter: I think it's a medical term for a fart.
Lois: Is it ... Is it the button you hit on the plane?
Peter: I ... I never turn it off on the plane.
Lois: How do you ask Siri?
Peter: I think you mean "Celery". [talks to the phone] Hey, Celery.
Lois: It's definitely "Siri".
Peter: Yeah, I'm wrong.

[Stewie finds out his parents left him and the other babies alone in the pool]
Stewie: They ... They just left? Huh. I thought you kids didn't take naps. Now you're just sleeping at the bottom of a pool?

Lois: I hated every minute of this.

[Chris sees Neil selling a catamaran to Cleveland]
Chris: Uh, what's going on?
Cleveland: Sorry, Chris. There's a hungry new player in the catamaran game.
Neil: While you were at Quachella, I was building relationships. That's all the catamaran business is, Chris. Relationships.

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